After Dinner Mint

Happy Birthday MOM!

2010-07-31T11:06:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th!!! oh, and dont forget to wear condoms!

2009-07-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July, our Independence Day, our birth, our right to say fuck the man and stand up for our right to say whatever the fuck we want. So thank you good ol' America for being such a contrived and convoluted system of rules and perceptions that we can be offended by anything and everything and act in any asshole kind of way that we feel we must. Thank you America for being able to supply us with any kind of garbage fast food that we need and at the same time tell us how fat we've gotten.

I salute you America for giving me the ability to sue for whatever the hell reason I see fit and for teaching us the real meaning of bailout. For all the great things you've given me with the freedom and liberty that is only really available here cause without it I dont think I would be able to say thank you and fuck you in the same blog post without getting arrested.

So Thank you America, now Fuck off! ;-)

Things Ive Learned...

2009-05-25T08:37:00.000-07:00

Ive been gone from this blog a while, I know. I had all but given up on this blog. But I havent completely disappeared from the blogosphere because for those of you who know, I have another BLOG for creative writing. Thats where Ive been spending most of my blogging time these days. But Im back now.

Things Ive learned in the time Ive been gone:
-Dont text while taking a crap.
-Dont text while talking to me.
-Always say whats on your mind except of course, when your mind has been off for the past three days.
-Eating chinese food as a hangover remedy gives me gas that would knock out the devil himself.
-I actually did knock out the devil himself, his name was Bernardo.
-Leave Keg stands up to the professionals.
-Juggling multiple romantic interests is like a full time job. I gotta stop doing that.
-Women are evil except of course, when they're not PMS'ing.
-Planning for the weekend on a monday never goes according to plan on the weekend.
-People are stupid.
-I will only text while driving if I dont feel like talking to you.
-Answer your damn phone, texting sucks.
-Kids these days dont have a vocabulary. *sigh

Mental Masturbation

2009-04-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

Ah, the new fad. Twitter. The purest form of narcissism this side of Narcissus. Yeah, thats real, look it up.

Twitter has become quite the fad that even celebrities and important figures are doing it. Hell, athletes are tweeting during half time at their ball games. "Its half time and we are getting beat. My balls are really sweaty right now also but the coach is asking for more. I gotta step up, I gotta have drips of sweat dripping from the crack of my ass or tonight was just a complete disappointment."

Its interesting to see how quickly addicting this tweet phenomenom has become because I find myself even reading tweets and enjoying some where I suddenly have the urge to jizz out a quick thought from mental masturbation onto a new tweet profile but I refuse to conform to another fad.

It took me years to finally get a facebook profile and thats because friends had to make me one by force. And I absolutely hate MySpace and texting is something I find myself doing more and more even though I have issues with it.

I refuse to conform to another fad. Plus, I think tweeting is absolutely the epitomy of mental masturbation. Rubbing some thoughts the right way till quick climax and then shooting a load of cerebral jizz right into the cerebellum of unsuspecting victims and passing out pearl brain-necklaces.

Get Ready for the Money Shot and Enjoy all that Brain Jizz.

A.A.

2009-04-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

Hello my name is Armando and Im an Asshole. Yes, before I would deny it, go on binges of ass-hatery and be hilarious at the cost of anothers dignity because Im an Asshole. I would spend long nights chugging down the insults and spewing them back up at the end of the night all over people and children too; trying the next morning to remember which joke was the funniest. Trying to fill the void that was within me with hilarity.

I used to think it was funny to laugh at people......still do kinda. But I have found the error of my ways at the bottom of a bottle. I came to realize I am an asshole and the first step to recovery is admitting the problem and now I must accept it.

I would try mixed insults and sometimes they wouldnt sit well so I would chug a tried and true insult just to set myself level and forget. I would down them without tasting them and without consequence to myself without realizing what I was doing to the people around me. Was I too asshole-ish to drive myself home, of course not but I was too asshole-ish to be around people sometimes. After spewing chunks of insult hilarity I would resume into convos. without remorse because Im an asshole.

Hi, my name is Armando and Im an Asshole. I am admitting I have a problem........................what the hell am I doing?! I love being an Asshole.

....waiting

2009-04-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

What is it about waiting that sucks? What is it about life that makes every second an exercise in continual movement toward the next moment? Its always about moving to the next moment. Its always about looking forward and looking back and looking at right now, its always about where this moment leads. What if its all about being small enough that we're frozen in time as a speck of thought forever forgotten? Like the stars we look up in wonderment where we hope and feel and see the delicate elegance in those soft specks but are so small and far that they will always be frozen as an insignificant thought until we need them.

So what is it about waiting that sucks? Its because we are always looking for the next moment, be it looking forward or back, where right now is never because never always happens when youre waiting.

A gift and a curse

2009-04-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

I have some confessing to do, its a serious issue, one that I've had to deal with all my life. Im a drooler. Yeah, thats right, I said it, it had to be said, someone had to say it!

As long as I can remember Ive always drooled in my sleep. And its not a little dribble here and there, no, I wake up in a fucking lake of cold spit generously pancaked on the side of my face. Sometimes it gets so bad that I cant just turn my pillow over because it would be like spilling a cup of water on my sheets.

The drool is of such a consistency that you can literally see the reflection of light off of it and see your face in it. I try to wipe it with my hand but that just moves it around on my cheek and doesnt really solve anything. The worse part about it, is that its so freaking cold because its been laying there in the coldness of the room for hours before I realized it was there. And Im such a heavy sleeper that Ill drool for hours before I even realize Im swimming in my own spit.

Then I wake up in the morning with the sides of my mouth all crusted white from dried up drool and a sore throat because its dry as hell cuz I spent all my saliva on my pillow. I drool even if Im taking a nap. 10 minutes out and Im already trying to start up a new river on the couch.

Yeah, Im a drooler, been one my whole life. It must be these damn huge kissable lips of mine. Its a gift and a curse, haha.

"Life laughs coldest when you are the loneliest."

2009-04-04T17:14:00.000-07:00

I find that I cant thoroughly express myself through this blog. Sometimes I want to express certain thoughts on emotions by simply stating them but find only the words that seem to be stale and boring in comparison to finding a hypothetical situation and imposing those emotions over it, real emotions, my emotions.

By simply stating the way I feel seems so boring and cliched. So thats why Ive been writing on my other blog much more than I do on this one, its a much softer side of me but still me. If youve ever wondered (probably not) how Ive been feeling or what I feel, its there where I send my other thoughts through short pieces, free writes. http://placeboeffect23.blogspot.com/

Its hard sometimes because to me, right now, life seems to be laughing at my face with all the things I cant have and it sucks the life outta me. I feel like a hollow shell of what I used to be. I hardly recognize myself anymore and its hard to swallow the knots in my throat because I can feel it in the pits of my stomach pushing them back up. I lose myself a little more everyday and its hard to keep my head.

I find the smallest of memories floating casually inside my head and floods of pictures remind me of how long of a road Ive walked and where its lead me. Nowhere and with nothing and no one. Its a tough life when you close yourself off as much as I have and for some reason, its even tougher to find your way back when youve forgotten how to be yourself. I think Ive lost that little piece of me that I always wanted to hold on to. Now Im wandering aimlessly hoping I can find it again because I need it now more than ever because life likes to tease me with things I cant have. "Life laughs coldest when you are the loneliest."

God or Science?

2009-04-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

I havent blogged in a while but Im still around, just havent gotten the motivation to write anything but I have been asked to update my blog; so here I am updating my blog.

Ive recently noticed that the morning is a bitch of a time to be enemies with physics. I swear I find myself arguing with the laws of reality because of something I was too lazy to set up correctly falls over or something gets caught on my foot and falls over or I bump into something. I curse the very fabric of reality and curse the universe; "damn you physics! why do you punish me so!"

Arguing with inantimate objects is another thing that goes hand in hand with my seemingly winless war on pointless arguments. I know that they cant hear me and I know they cant argue back and I know that its a freaking object but that stupid expressionless piece of crap table knows it stubbed my toe on purpose but its hiding its little stupid smirk behind that unflinching no expression front. Fuck you table! I know what youre up to, you wont fool me fucker!

Why cant physics just give me a break in the morning? I feel like science feels like screwing with me when I have the least amount of patience and it does. If I could I would just blame it all on a faceless God that likes to screw around with people with no reason other than, he works in mysterious ways. Fuck Science, who needs science when you have a crazy faceless God with a sense of humor that likes to fuck with you in the morning. Thanks Science.......I mean God.

Thanks Brazen

2009-03-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

Thank you Brazen, your compliment truly gave me a lift when I needed it the most and its a good thing you saved it this long because it came right in the nick of time. There must be some sort of cosmic coincidental force at work there because it seems like too much of a coincidence for you to hold it this long and have it for me. Nonetheless, I thank you for it.

Just to show you how much it truly meant to me and how much it actually helped Ive made you a playlist, I hope you like the music. You can download them if you enjoy them, you can probably figure out how to do that, haha. Enjoy.

Mark Berube - Flowers on the Stones

Vampire Weekend - Oxford Comma

Stars - Forever

The National - Fake Empire

Patients - Doorways

sigh

2009-03-10T16:09:00.001-07:00

You know, its never hard to think about certain things when its so easy to smile at them but then all you have left in your barren, empty hands are the what if's and then everything becomes a fortress of solitude. A prison by your own doing and not even the tall blue sky can make you look up.

I had to make a incredibly hard decision but it was the most obvious decision and now Im in a tender position. My smiles are forced, my face long, my eyes empty and devoid, but I keep looking for tomorrow to come.

And then you boom! you realize, hells yeah, its the weekend again and if just for a couple of hours, you forget about the what if's and think about the now and the booze.

Its the Small Things

2009-03-02T10:56:00.001-08:00

Its the little things that geek me out. I got a gift from the girl Im crushing on a couple of weeks back, around Valentine's. She gave me a key with the Patriots marquee on it (I love the Patriots) and Tom Brady on the front. You know, a simple gift, small, simple, perfect.

I geeked out on it. It literally was the best gift Ive gotten in the past year, including christmas, sorry jesus, my birthday, sorry God, or anything in between. It was just so simple and perfect. Its the small things that find their way through the intricacies of our personal walls. From that point on, I knew she was a keeper.

Now, everytime I look at my key chain and see that key, I can see her face and it just makes me smile. Its the type of gift that keeps on giving. Elaborate huge gifts are great but then you forget who gave them to you because you are so concerned with the gift, loving it so much that you forget that someone got it for you. Well, with my key, I know exactly who got it for me and it makes me smile. And nothing in this world is better than having a little trinket that makes you smile.

TheFLy is falling for someone, dang it, I cant help it, she's awesome.

2009-02-28T23:03:00.000-08:00

What is it about a new romantic interest that just inspires us all? You know that new fresh smell of a new person in your life, one that thinks you are wonderful, one that thinks you are great, one that thinks you are all these things you never really realized or seen in yourself but someone just managed to sift through all the insecurities of yourself and find the beauty in you.

Well, I found someone that likes me for me and has seen all these great things in me that I rarely look at or even realize are there. She makes me feel inspired, comfortable in the world again and even if it is just for brief instances, perfect.

Yeah, Im sappy, so what. Its not every day that I feel this way and this girl just brings that out in me. At first, I was a little into her but slowly and surely she showed me herself and I started falling for this girl. What can I say, Im a sucker for a great smile.

So there you have it, thats where Ive been and it should explain the lack of posts. Ill try to keep it up dated.

buzz buzz

Fuck Valentines Day: Remix

2009-02-14T09:22:00.000-08:00

So I thought I would post up some semi-romantic thoughts about Valentine's Day (note: semi-romantic = rant) and how crappy it is whether you are in a relationship or single.

Ive been both single and in relationships on numerous Valentine's Days and the first one I can remember is way back in elementary school when we all had to buy all those stupid cards for everyone in the class only because we weren't to leave anyone out and make someone feel lonely or unwanted. Well you know what, F@#K that! This joke of a holiday should be cancelled and placed on the shelf with Columbus Day. This is a consumerist holiday, the only reason it exists and still does is because we spend so much money on this day.

There's a history behind it but why has it become so popular here in the states? Why have we embraced it so? My theory is that we guys use it as justification to look sappy and women use it to get more attention. When a buddy looks at you with those judgemental eyes for being girly and sappy-licious for sending flowers or buying a card you just give that goofy ass-look back, shrug your shoulders and say "its Valentine's Day." When in reality, we should act this way whenever the need to express that love bubbling inside overflows which causes a sudden drop in common-sense thinking. If you truly feel a need to show someone how much you love them you dont need Valentine's Day to do it.

"Society has deemed we all have to celebrate love for our partners magnificently and with more sincerity on this day than – so it seems – on any other." (Edward Stilliard)

Valentine's Day can be the loneliest and at the same time most stressful day for a particular person. Having no one to share anything with or talk to on this day causes a loneliness to creep in from the shadows and makes you channel surf through all the freakin' love-sappy movies showing. Just makes you wanna pound your head into some wall and leave it there. And at the same time, having someone you care about or even just having someone but not neccessarily the desire to do something on this day causes a stress stemming from society deeming you as cold and an a$$hole/b!tch if you dont. Feeling the obligation to do something but not having the motivation or desire causes this stress because you know if you dont it will be held against you. When you're single, its different. Even I'm not immune to the loneliness it causes but its all about how you handle it.

One solution is to gather all your single buddies and go out because you know all the single women are doing the same with their girlfriends. Time to go hunting for the ladies like big game elk or deer. "Shhhh, be wery wery quiet, Im hunting b!itches." But if thats not a solution, its time to grab the porn because its gonna be a long night buddy. You can try to ignore the dsolay all together but thats only possible if you dont have a social life, and if thats the case you have larger problems.

So why is Valentine's Day so important? Whats the big deal about giving chocolates, cards and stuffed animals? Why does this day seem to have significance over all others? Some people think its romantic even creative to propose on said day but why? Theres no significance in the alignment of the planets, no astrological meaning for this day, nothing in the cosmos says this day has significance. So, why has it been deemed necessary for us to show our love to our partner on this particular day? So many people celebrate this day without even knowing why other than its expected to show affection. This reflects a conformist attitude on how it is expected to behave; its not that this day compells us to become more affectionate but that we understand that this is what is expected. Its hard to fight this conformity because when in a relationship with someone who loves Valentine's Day you cant ignore it. Their attitude affects the way you see it, thus assimilating you into another one of V-Day's soldiers.

'Roided out Freak of Nature = All-American-Athlete

2009-02-10T17:12:00.000-08:00

So, I dont know if many of you know but I guess Major League Baseball just took another blow to the chin in that A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez) is guilty for testing positive for performance enhancing drugs from '01 to '03.

I dont know whats wrong with this sport, it seems to be tainted from top to bottom like a bad skid mark on your underwear.

But passed the stigma and taint this not only reflects on American sports but on the athletes, I think this is possibly the best thing to happen to baseball and possibly the American economy.

This is the way I want to see it; maybe now Team owners will realize the huge wad of cash they waste every year for these overpaid crybaby athletes that play the sport in this day and age. Maybe now, the stock that goes into paying one of these superstar athletes will get reduced and the league can enact some sort of salary cap and teams can be competitive again. Maybe now, these fat cat team owners will save some money so that they can invest back into our dire economy.

Or maybe, they can keep paying the ridiculous sum of money they pay so that some douchebag player can juice up, get roided out and have shriveled shrinked nuts because we all know thats how we Americans like our athletes; all freaked and veined out, pulsating with pure adrenaline and testosterone.

Nothing says All-American-Athlete like veins portruding out of your neck and forehead with legs the size of tree trunks and fingers the size of baby legs. I mean, come on, who doesnt want to see Barry Bonds climbing the Empire State Building swatting at airplanes or Mark Mcgwire emerging from the sea to take out Japan with his laser eye vision and fire-ball breath. Take that world!

We call our champions world champions because hell, our athletes get juiced before every game and who else in the world would be able to compete at that freak of nature level that our athletes perform at anyway. Only cyborgs from the future would be able compete. We call it the World Series because if anyone else in the world would like to compete, our athletes would just eat the other teams and drink the blood of the victims.

A Study was conducted to point out the obvious

2009-02-07T14:41:00.000-08:00

It never ceases to amaze me how many studies there are out there being conducted by complete turd for brains douchebags. Studies to study the study of studies and how those studies are actually studied. Conduct a study and have some University back you on it and you can study whatever the hell you want.

For instance, The Journal of Youth and Adolescence were apparently conducting a study that focused on gaming and internet use among college undergrads. And guess what they found out. That college males play violent games and look at porn online. Hmmm, fascinating stuff! I would have never guessed such things were going on. So, you are telling me that guys in their early 20s like blood and guts and gore in their games and titties in their faces while surfing the net? I never had a clue.

Whats next? You gonna tell me that girls like to shop and teenage kids like to hang out in malls? Im still waiting for the study that tells me that college kids drink alcohol. Until there is a study done, I wont believe it.

Whats more American than Football and Porn?

2009-02-02T19:17:00.000-08:00

They snap the ball! Kurt Warner drops back, his offensive line fighting off the Pittsburgh blitz, he looks left sees nothing. He looks right, his man is covered. One of the Defensive Linemen has slipped the block and is rushing towards Kurt, he starts to scramble and BAM! you get an eye-full of full frontal male nudity with some chick ready to enjoy a healthy serving of meat popsicle.

Apparently thats what happened to some people in Arizona who were watching the Super Bowl. The jazzy music kicked in, a man got his pants unzipped and then a certain PornaRIFIC! act was performed and then Parents began an uproar right after they Tivo-ed it of course.

But whats better than getting football with my porn or is it porn with my football? Either way, someone got interrupted. The guy that was popping a boner to football was like "hey! What the hell, now I have to consentrate all over again just to get this level of hardness! Damn it!" And the guy watching the football and getting bored was like "Alright! Porn! Pass the Guacamole Dip!" And the Father sitting in his living room with his son was like "Junior, go play outside. Me and your Mother really need this commercial break. So go outside Junior."

So I ask. Whats more American than Football and Porn? I mean, doesnt those two things completely summarize American society to a tee? What sport do we have that no one else in the world has and yet we call ourselves world champs? Football. What industry do we dominate in the online market? Porn. I mean, we play Football and the rest of the world calls it Futbol and yet we say 'fuck you world' and call it soccer and then say "we're taking Football for our Past Time, fuckers."

Only in America can you get Football with your Porn, or Porn with your Football. Either way, someone is happy and it will be only a matter of time before you get it in a happy meal.

Are you Hitting on Me?

2009-01-27T17:02:00.001-08:00

Ive realized only now that I can be completely oblivious to when Im getting hit on. I know what you're thinking; "how can you not realize you are getting hit on?" Well, Im usually the one doing the hitting, figuratively speaking of course and if you thought I meant literally then you will burn in hell because I would never hit a woman unless of course she needed a good spanking.

I digress. As I was saying, Im usually the one that initiates the flirtation and then playful banter ensues and giggling at stupid jokes, tee hee hee's with some ooh haha's. But its all fun and games flirtation. I flirt they flirt. Nothing to it. But I hardly ever get hit on first, you know. Well, actually, it happens more often than I think because Im just so completely oblivious to it.

My train of thought is that, "if Im not doing any flirting then there's no reason for some girl to be flirting with me." And thats not the case at all. I get hit on and dont even realize and then Im looking like an idiot giving sincere responses and straight answers when in reality this chick wants to jump my bone.

Sometimes Ill catch it in time but sometimes, itll be hours even a day later before I realize, "that chick was hitting on me! Damn, and I probably looked uninterested. Damn!"

The thing is, is that Ive always had to work for what I got, so to speak. I dont have classically good looks.....Im just cute. Cute doesnt get the hot women to come and hit on you as often as you would like. Cute just barely lets you flirt then you better have a personality and a sense of humor and a ton of cash. So, when I get hit on my brain must block out or ignore the passes because it must be in disbelief mode "like, she isnt hitting on you, she cant be hitting on you, there's no way she's hitting on you.......(hours laters) fuck, she WAS hitting on me!"

Im an idiot. I need to be more aware of these tell tell signs because I find myself in that epiphnatic state more often than not, the one where I get home and I slap myself on my head because I realize I just blew a good opportunity to fuck in an elevator. Damn it!

You Hang Up. No, YOU Hang Up.

2009-01-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

The conversating types. There are many many many types of people when it comes to face to face conversations but when it comes to phone conversations, it usually devolves into a certain couple of types. This is of course based off of my own observations and is therefore complete scientific proof reinforcing itself by the sole fact that I observed them proving my findings are hence therefore put forth as subsequent theories of absolute truth and validity.

People on the phone usually fall into general categories of mediocrity. Let me start with the gossip about other people's lifes person. Im sure you've overheard this person at some place of public venue or are even probably guilty of being this person. You know what Im talking about. "Did you hear what happened to so and so?" "No?! Well let me tell you about that dumb bitch. She was talking this and that to someone and you know how much of a stupid ho she sounds like, well she was all like unnn and people were all like ennn and I was all like ewww."

These people must find their lives too boring to acknowledge because these gossip types never seem to realize that what they are talking about seems to be an invasion of privacy and judgmental at the same time. Doesnt matter how much of a dumbass the other person is. If it doesnt effect you in anyway or doesnt concern the person you are telling then what the hell are you doing gossiping. Get a life thats interesting or grab a sense of humor. I hear they are on sale right now in this dire economy.

And how 'bout the "what are you up to?" person. You know the person that just calls to see what you are doing just so they can tag along because they've got nothing going on at all. They call but dont outright ask to tag along, instead they act like an annoying douchebag and hint at coming along with you to hangout or do whatever it is you are doing. Just grow some damn balls and ask already, dont keep me on the phone shooting shit that doesnt need to be shot.

Then there's the person that just doesnt answer their phones. At all. Doesnt matter what time of day it is or even if you are with the person. They just wont answer their phone. They always opt for the latter choice, "Ill just call them back." Thats always their response. It wouldnt matter if it was the freakin' police department calling to say that theyve been arrested and are seizing all their assests, they will always see it as less important and as something that can be handled later. Its almost like they would rather be the one calling, keeping the other people on this superficial supply and demand. Get a clue, answer your damn phone.

And then there's "uh huh, yeah, uh huh. Ok. Yeah. Uh huh." Person. The person that just has nothing to say but just pretends to listen and acts like they care. But in reality all they have to say is stuff that is agreement with whomever they are talking with. They can be talking to one person gossiping bad things about another person and agree and then get a call from the other person and agree with everything they have to say. And when the phone calls are all said and done, they wont have a fucking clue what it was all about.

Then there is the one I loathe the most. The texter. "Nuff Said. You see the buttons on your phone, there are also number on there. You can dial phone numbers and call a person. Dont substitute a whole conversation with text messages. I cant even begin how much that annoys me but thats for another blog post.

Douchebags

2009-01-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

In every walks of life there are douchebags. It doesnt matter who you are or what level of society you live in, there will always be those douchebags that just seem to fit a predetermined mold of cliches and motifs; almost like there is a God of douchebags that created them in his own image.

Let me get into some of these molds because Im sure you all have encountered, if not all, some of these douchebags.

First, there is the movie quoting douchebag guy. You know the guy, its that douchebag that cant go through a conversation without quoting some movie. His one-line zingers that he thinks are so clever are directly snatched from some movie and whats worse is that he tries to deliver the line the same way but falls flat in delivery and tone and just sounds like someone looking for a pat on the back and a helmet with a "Im a Douchebag" tag. His pathetic attempt at trying to be clever and witty is clouded by the fact that he just isnt that clever or witty but rather just has an endless arsenal of movie quotes to throw your way until you just roll your eyes at the very sound of his voice uttering another quote.

This leads me into the next douchebag guy; the unfunny jokes douchebag. Its that guy that thinks whatever he says is golden based on the sole fact that he is saying it. For instance, the jokes will consist of him calling "hey man" someone replying, "whats up," and then him replying "your face." Oh thanks for that douchebag. I get it, its your joke and my face, hahahaaaaaaaaa....no. Your joke isnt funny it just proves one thing, your douchebag status. Just because you deliver your jokes with that little extra oomph! doesnt make it funnier or even tolerable, if anything it moves you dangerously close to dork status as well.

How 'bout the overly energetic douchebag guy? Damn, this guy can get crazy annoying. Its the douchebag that just has so much energy that he can run circles around the other douchebags. He has jokes that are hit or miss, mostly miss. Actually, I think the overly energetic douchebag guy gets one funny joke allowed in a year and based off the rules of God Douchebag he can only use that one joke on a Tuesday when no one gives a fuck if he's funny or not, just get out of my face.

This brings me to stinky douchebag guy. Man, take a fucking shower! No I dont want to know something so dont call me over. And keep your filthy arms down because I dont think I can take another wiff of your palpable armpit funk. Its so putrid that I can taste it on my tongue. Keep your thoughts to yourself or say them from a distance because your stink just makes me want to kick you in the face and hand you a bar of soap.

So there you have it, a first parter to a douchebag series that is sure to increase in the coming weeks.

Im a Dumbass

2009-01-19T18:50:00.000-08:00

I know I know I havent been posting as frequently as I would like but some things happened to me that required my attention and took up my time and energy leaving little left for blogging. But I have finally pulled out the whip and gave myself 40 lashings Flagellation-Style because thats how I roll, figuratively speaking of course.

My life has hit a huge wake up call for my dumbass and I think its time for me to realize that wake up call. I just dont know what Im supposed to realize just yet. All I know is that I have something to realize, I know it or else I wouldnt feel this way. I cant figure out what I have to change about myself or do for someone else but it must be something important like pay for dinner or dont fart in the elevator. Those things are important right. Ok, well then, Im on the right track.

Once I feel more comfortable with my situation I will fill you all in on it. Right now, things are just in limbo for me and I cant quite get myself comfortable because of that fact.

It looks the same to me; thats because you're an Idiot

2009-01-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

One thing I continously find more and more annoying are people who try to argue that standard definition televisions and dvds look the same as Hi-def televisions and Blu-Ray. Give me a fucking break, actually, break off your head from your spinal column because that meat patty for a brain you got inside that skull casing aint doing you any good. So just get rid of it.

Sometimes I sit there in disbelief because they are arguing in a serious fashion completely trying to convince me. And the kicker, almost everytime, is that people that make this absurd argument dont own a Hi-Def television and have not seen Hi-Def outside a Best Buy.

Believe me, if you take the time to see true hi-def you will astonished. Its almost like youve been watching television with foggy glasses on. Once you go Hi-Def there really isnt any downgrading after that. Once you see those colors and those sharp edges, you really cant do a disservice to your eyes and downgrade.

But these people that try to argue that it looks the same are just trying to invest more value in outdated technology than their piece of crap television really has. So, if you cant afford a hi-def television dont act like your outdated boob tube is somehow on the same level of hi-def because its not. Youll just end up looking like a douchebag.

Those "hi" AYE-holes

2009-01-04T22:07:00.001-08:00

I wonder how many people actually deliver "hi" when someone tells them to. Like when you are at someone's place and someone asks you "how is so and so?" and you say something like "oh, they're good." I mean, what else are you gonna say "oh man, you should see how fat they've gotten, you look way better than they do."

Sorry, I digress. So then they say something like "well tell them I say hi." And your natural response is "I'll do that." But of course at that moment you're just thinking to yourself, "I dont really care if you say hi or not, if you really did care how they are you would find their number and call them yourself or visit them at their place. Dont make me your messenger boy." But you just smile and agree to deliver the empty disgenuine piece of crap "hi" that they have so inconsiderately left on your lap.

And I dont deliver the "hi" messages because Im a dick or anything, I dont deliver them because I forget to deliver them. I really do forget. But in my train of thought, I dont really feel guilty for not doing it because its not my responsibility to be your little errand boy because you are too lazy to find the person yourself and say hi.

Telling someone else to say hi to someone else is like saying, "I remember about that person but I dont really care to be genuine I just dont want to look like an inconsiderate prick."

So do me a favor and be genuine and say hi yourself because I really dont care to deliver your "hi." Goodbye.

Hork It Down you Fatty!

2009-01-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

Dont you love it when blog posts just seemingly write themselves as you are out doing your own thing.

Its like there is some kind of cosmic blogging force giving you things to notice as to not forget that you should definitely blog about this even if it does make you look like an asshole.

So here I go, about to make myself look like an asshole. Alas, I was driving to get gas and noticed an overweight woman walking down the road, I thought nothing of it. Not another thought crossed my mind but then I saw this attractive girl a few blocks down walking and I thought to myself, "I should give her a ride." Thats when it hit me. Fat people should walk more often, oh wait, thats not what it was. It was that Fat people will most definitely get asked less often than not if they want a ride when seen walking on the side of the road.

Because for me, Im thinking, "yeah, she needs to walk." AND yes I know how that sounds but you know what, I bet she knows it too. Me not offering her a ride is like me doing her a service. I am in a six degrees of separation sort of way helping her shed those unwanted pounds, ALL of them.

So, I thought that was the end of those fat thoughts but no, something more happens still with thee "overweight." I was eating at Crack in the Box and noticed this overweight man walking from a long ways away across parking lots and streets. He looked like he was headed in my direction and was on a mission. So I figure again, he wants to walk to help with the shedding of his blubbery suit. And good for him.

But I look over again and he's headed into the very same Jack in the Box Im sitting in and orders the Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger, Large.

Wait a minute here, you are walking from who knows how far away seemingly to help with the excess you're carrying and you are throwing it all away once you reach your destination. Thats like me working out for hours but while I work out Im horking down double cheeseburgers and fries. It doesnt make sense.

Maybe Im wrong, maybe the guy didnt want to lose any weight at all and just wants to enjoy the full flavor of heart attack and grease. Mmm MMMM!

Guess Who's Back

2009-01-01T19:36:00.000-08:00

Buzz Buzz Bitches!

Its a new year and this calls on a new year of blogging from yours truly. Do I have what it takes to keep it up again, well theres only one way to find out right. I figured since Im planning on getting drunk more, err, I mean drinking tastefully more I will be able to conjure up some wickedly good and insightful posts.

I took a break from blogging and found out that there is just too much dumb shit that goes on in the world and I feel almost an obligation to rise above it and make fun of it, in the most degrading and sarcastic way possible.

Take for instance, the extremely cautious winter drivers. Im all for smart driving but when you are driving 40 on the freeway because you see snow on the side of the roads, it does not give you the right to become a slug moving pansy driver. If anything, your driving slower actually causes more accidents because now people will have to react to idiotic driving and elementary reasoning skills on the road because you cant seem to figure out how to handle your car in cold weather. So please, if you cant comfortably drive on the road in winter weather, do us all a favor and take a bus.

I digress, so for this new year Im planning on blogging again and producing high quality posts. Along with drinking my brain away and finding the meaning of the microwave instructions for Pop-Tarts. Its just 3 seconds people! Three! Who needs a pop-tart that quickly?

Im blogging again....well, kinda.

2008-12-19T11:13:00.000-08:00

Hi guys, how y'all been? Ive started blogging again, well kinda. I started creatively writing again and have posted two new pieces over at my other Blog "Placebo Effect" If you want to dive into delibrately thick and smooth words then take a look.

Placebo Effect

And here's an update on my blogging status. Im planning on blogging again maybe sometime after the New Year. I already have plenty to blog about, everyday there is something that needs to be pointed out. Really. And that itch I mentioned before is slowly building in annoyance and at some point Im going to have to release it. So, be patient with me and dont forget about me, ok?

buzz buzz

And Thats All He Wrote.........

2008-12-02T17:48:00.000-08:00

....for now. I think Im gonna throw up my hat and stop blogging for a while. However, this doesnt mean I wont be reading your blogs, to the contrary actually. No blogging will actually give me more time to read your guy's awesome posts.

Its not that I dont have anything to blog about, its actually that I just dont have that itch to blog anymore. And I dont like forcing myself to say something that isnt worth saying. So, dont miss me too much. Happy Blogging Bloggers.

...and now a special message from me!

Buzz Buzz

The Turkey Uprising!!!

2008-11-25T13:42:00.001-08:00

Oh no! It has begun, the day we all thought could never happen; the turkeys are uprising! They've seemingly come out of nowhere to take of over my small town and are spreading through the streets. I think they are heading to the bigger cities now because they have massacred everyone here. Im too scared to leave this house I escaped to. Ive been peeking through the curtains with one eye and my hands gripped tightly to my shotgun.

I saw a turkey kill a man in the street in animalistic cold blood, pecking out his eye balls and then screeching out a gut wrenching gobble to the sky. It was chaotic, people were screaming, others yelling, women wondering what they were gonna cook for Thanksgiving. There were many unlucky ones who were caught out in the streets when the uprising began, they did not survive.

I saw another turkey dressed in people camouflage that consisted of a wife beater, a beer, and tore jeans made in to shorts to lure any survivors out. I saw a man fall for it but as he rushed to the turkey it clawed at his face and stuffed him full of Stove Top stuffing. The man howled out "oh the humanity!!" as he was getting crammed one wing-fist full at a time. And yeah, he was getting stuffed in the place you are thinking of. He didnt survive, the man died of pure embarrassment.

Oh crap! What was that?!! Did you hear that?! I think I heard a gobble coming from the back door. I have to be careful. I dont think I can hold them off for much longer. I spent hours at the front door unloading shotgun shells into them all but they kept coming, wave after wave until finally I escaped from the house and ran here. Ive been hiding out here for hours.

No one knows where they came from or why they are attacking. I heard some were saying its payback for Thanksgiving but I have another theory. I think they finally couldnt take being killed off by people with lesser IQs than them. I think they have finally realized that we as a people have stopped evolving into a higher IQ bracket and have decided now is the time to attack; on the Eve of Thanksgiving night. Sadistic.

Ahhh!! Theyve broken through my barracade! Ive got to run, they're everywhere!! I got some shots off. Where are they coming from?!! They are behind me now!! There, a small window, I have to get out, I have to survive, I have to.....

From Zero to Idiot

2008-11-24T12:47:00.000-08:00

I was driving home on the freeway the other day and in my rear view mirror I see this car speeding up behind me going at least 85mph because I was at 75 and this lady was gaining ground on me like I wasn't moving at all.

My first thought was "look at this fucker, this isnt a race track, slow the hell down." Then I thought, maybe she has an emergency but then I saw her face and it was in complete "dont give a fuck" mode. You know that look you have on a sunday morning when you have nothing to do. Yeah, she had it. Then I thought to myself, "what an asshole, completely disregarding other people's safety on the road." Because she was weaving in and out of lanes and passing cars in a single bound. But what really put me over the edge in annoyance and disbelief was when she passed me, I saw that one of her tires was a donut tire. I couldnt believe it. You know those puny spare tires people have that look like they can barely support their own weight let alone the weight of the car.

So, as she passed me, my mind is blown because I see this freaking car blaze pass me with a dont give a fuck attitude and a donut tire that didnt even rotate correctly but with a dangerous wobble. All I know is that you can only go 50mph on those things and not to drive more that 30 to 40 miles on those crap tires; and this crazy bitch was driving like a freakin' Nascar driver like she was trying to beat the land speed record from zero to idiot.

Driving while Curious

2008-11-19T19:59:00.001-08:00

I just got back from Seattle today, I was visiting a friend who came up from Vegas. So, as you can guess, Im still hungover, my legs are sore for no apparent reason and my face looks like I ran it through a wall and rubbed it in "tired as hell."

On my drive back, I got stuck in traffic congestion and the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that I tried reading in the twenty minutes I spent pushing the gas and brakes over and over again. I feel all bumper stickers with small font should be banned.

For some reason my brain needed to read this stupid bumper sticker so I kept creeping up to the car squinting hard and leaning awkwardly forward. Then I noticed the guy was looking at me in his rearview mirror and I realized how incredibly creepy I looked. I never did read that dumb bumper sticker because after that I was too embarrassed to drive behind him. I would have rathered been caught singing while driving or poking my nose.

This Just In: The U.S. has sold Canada

2008-11-17T11:45:00.000-08:00

In an effort to turn up some serious cash in this time of dire economic need, the United States has officially sold Canada to the North Pole and is leasing Alaska to Russia under the condition they do the repairs. Though they also lost Mexico to Britain in a game of chess the U.S. won Australia in a bet in who could shotgun more beers. Realizing they didnt need Australia and still strapped for cash, the U.S. then decided to sell the land down under to New Zealand this way there is no more confusion with their accents.

Still drunk and slightly hungover, the U.S. lost a drinking game to Germany and had to shave their head but as soon as Germany passed out, the U.S. teabagged and drew a penis on their face.

Trying to save money the U.S. has also decided to recycle the southern states after every hurricane instead of rebuilding them all over again. It is part of their effort in going green. What it encompasses is basically renaming the states everytime they get hit by a hurricane and sending them lego blocks to build their cities. For example, "Lousiana was hit by a hurricane but this is New New Ana Lois now which hasnt been hit by a hurricane therefore doesnt need to be rebuilt. Here are your legos."

After the North Pole realized the U.S. was trying to stealthily give them Idaho with Canada, they wanted a refund. The U.S. responded with "All sales are final."

Santa wants to say something...

2008-11-14T00:58:00.000-08:00

A message from Jolly Ol' Saint Nick:

"Ho, Ho, Ho! Looks likes its beginning to look a lot like that time of year again. I'm here at the North Pole enjoying a nice hot cup of rum...err coco. Just going through my list and checking it twice *hiccup* whoa, excuse me.

I was called back early this year from my bahama vacation due to yet again the enormous increase in the world population. No more slacking off till the night before to get my deliveries in. Can you believe some guy down in the bahamas recommended that I should use UPS, pfft! As if. I got something better than that, elves that dont sleep and reindeer that fly. What can brown do for me? Brown is the color of my reindeer's turds, thats it.

So, my job has gotten harder over the years as you may have guessed. Do you know how many new babies are born each second, a chris kringle fuck ton, thats how much. Makes me wanna chris kringle my wife just to get the edge off. But the population of the world is getting ridiculous for my line of work, dont even get me started on the tooth fairy. Poor guy. He barely gets to see his wife and kids anymore. And darn that easter bunny, he's got it easy, that slacker. I dont know how anyone expects me to deliver all this stuff in one night when I only get paid in slaves, milk and cookies. *sigh* Im getting too old for this shit.

Ive decided to have my elves work overtime since they enjoy making toys so much, that and the fact that they dont have any other purpose in life other than to make toys. So, I have increased their hours to 23 a day. As you may know, elves dont sleep and they only crap out christmas cookies so they dont need bathroom breaks. I let them have that one hour so they can consumate and make me more slaves....err, I mean elves. Elves, slaves, whatever . So our workshop is basically a bunch of elves boning and singing merry ol' jingles while pooping out christmas cookies for others to pick up and eat. I call it a jolly ol' christmas orgy.

And this new wave of technology is really kicking my workshop's ass. We needed to get some IT tech guys up here and train the elves to make knock off wii's, crappy Macs, and true but not-so true HDTVs. What can I say, if you get something under your tree that isnt name brand then I probably stuck it under there. Sorry kids, Santa cant keep up with this technological advance. Ask your parents to get you the good stuff.

If the Adidas under your tree has four stripes instead of three, then I probably put it under there. If your HDTV isnt really HD then I probably put it under there. If your wii is actually spelled wee, then its probably from china and I probably put it under there.

Fact is, my job is getting too hard for me to do. My vacations are getting cut shorter and shorter. This past year I was planning on tanning this pasty old skin of mine and only got to tan my back. I look like a half baked graham cookie. Thats not a good look for me. And my nipples got sunburned so I have what looks like cherries on top a vanilla ice cream. Didnt even get time to fix it.

I need a vacation.....again. Oh and Jesus says Hi."

Where do Babies come from?

2008-11-12T13:57:00.000-08:00

A good handful of my friends and cousins have kids nowadays and when I, whom doesnt have any kids, hang out with more than one of them at a time it becomes a lesson in awkwardness and patience because conversations usually consists of "kids and their little quirks." I have nothing to contribute to those conversations.
-"Billy here likes to take a dump in his pants in the back corner of our bedroom. We just cant get him potty trained."
-"Amy is sooooo cute when she points, oh look! She's doing it! Isnt she cute!"

Me: *blank stare with a forced smile* Oh yeah, thats just precious. But can they do anything cool like fetch me a beer or do a backflip while juggling chainsaws? No, well then, they may be cute but they arent cool.

I need to get me a poop factory, I mean kid so that I may join in this conversation and perhaps ramble about the same stuff too.

Dont get me wrong, I love kids and I want to have kids of my own, just not right now. A little army of two doesnt sound so bad.....in the future. Im intrigued by the idea that a tiny child will look up to you for everything the world has to offer and you have to have your shit together to paint a complete picture for them and make sure they get life's lessons before they step out that door.

If I had a kid right now at this moment I would be required to grow up real quick. Me trying to teach the kid would consist of me rambling on about philosophy and things way over the his head and reminding him to remember to wear a condom because accidents can happen. He wouldnt have a clue when I say condom because he would still be an infant but its still a lesson to be learned.

Years down the road....

My son asks me:
"Hey dad, how are babies made?"
--"Well son, Im glad you asked. When a man and a woman are in love they have sex and the act of sex is what creates babies, usually."

My daughter asks me:
"Hey dad, how are babies made?"
--"Well, ummm.....when......uh.....women make them honey and it hurts like hell to make them. Its the most painful thing in the world to do. And sex makes women make babies so dont have sex unless you want to have the most painful experience of your life nine months later."

FunnY? You tell me...

2008-11-11T00:35:00.000-08:00

Since joining Humor Bloggers I have identified myself as being a humor blogger and one thing I have found out is that humor is really tough to write. My blog used to be just me writing what I felt like talking about and if it sounded funny and amusing then so be it and if it was in your face and confrontational then that was ok too.

I find that trying to make someone laugh with written words is much harder when it doesnt come out naturally. My writing process for this new avenue consists of me staring blankly at my keyboard for a few minutes, chuggin' something with large amounts of caffeine (preferably a 2 liter of Pepsi), and me banging my head against my fist as I realize the thesaurus does not have the words Im looking for; because turd-fart is so much funnier than fecal release....wait, that one is pretty funny too.

Sarcasm in conversations is not easily transferred into written word. You need something extra to actually have that sarcasm show as hilarity. That something extra is usually an uncanny ability to write; with or without good grammar. You dont need grammar to be a natural writer. Grammar comes later.

Humor is so subjective too so finding your audience is important because if no one gets your jokes then who's gonna laugh. I find that being yourself is the best avenue because people like it when you are genuine. Exaggeration is also another good avenue like when someone says they are gonna kill every freaking bunny rabbit with a shotgun because of how cute they look. Whats that? You would too! I know right, they are too cute! Damn rabbits!

So, if youll excuse me, I got more head bashing and chugging of Pepsi to do. But before you go, vote for me over at Humor Bloggers for Humor Blogger of the Year. Im under Observation and Social Commentary.

Its only cheating if you get caught

2008-11-10T00:22:00.000-08:00

Why do men cheat? If you really think about it, its pretty simple. To do other chicks. Like Chris Rock once said, "a man is only as faithful as his options."

I in no way condone cheating, I am a one woman man. But lets dissect this idea for a minute. Generally, cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one's own interest. Like cheating on a test or taking a shortcut in a race. Cheating is a deceitful way to improve the results of something that you cannot achieve on your own.

A man cheats to keep the relationship strong because he cant do it on his own. A lesser man needs to cheat because he cannot have a true committed relationship without cheating. Like the douche that instead of studying decided to stay up playing video games. The smart kid studies and does his homework. The hard work pays off because he will Ace the test but the douchebag will not on his own, so what does he do? Cheats.

Does that make him a bad person? No, its makes him an idiot. He didnt do his homework.

Plus, why dont marriages occasionally work? I think its because of the committment of "until death do us apart." I mean think about it. What love-sick person came up with the idea that "the only way you are leaving me is when you are pried from my cold dead fingers."

"I love you so much baby. I wanna be with you."
"You wanna be with me? For how long?"
"Until Death."

How can one accomplish a committment of that magnitude when you arent ready for it.....cheat?

I need to know!! Do you really??

2008-11-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

One thing Ive always wondered was why people are so infatuated with celebrity's personal lives. Its not like their personal lives directly effect ours or that we will ever hang out with them. And yet there are more than a handful of television channels devoted on reporting just celebrity news.

Women are the worse when it comes to this stuff. For instance, you hear about so and so dating whats his name and they react with "I cant believe they are dating, ugh, I hate her for that." Huh? Its one thing if you knew them personally and even then its still kinda out of bounds. Whats it to you who they date or hang out with.

"I cant believe she is wearing that shirt with those pants, ugh, what a dumb bitch." What are you talking about? Have you looked at yourself with ritz cracker crumbs on your shirt and a half eaten Ben and Jerry's pint sitting in your lap.

Whats it to these people how celebrities dress or who they date. If celebrities want to be douchebags let them be douchebags but dont let it be the sole source of your conversation material. Its one thing to talk about celebrities and their new movies and projects; its a completely different thing to be infatuated with their lives.

Superficiality boggles my mind because its more apparent these days than in the past. Society is so infatuated with every little detail and bit of information with their favorite celebrities that it borders on psychotic infatuation. That is the sole reason the paparazzi is so crazed in getting their pictures to the point of stalking celebrities.

Then you realize, oh yeah, thats right, celebrities have sold their soul to the glamour gods which comes with crazed super minions. *slaps forehead* Forgot about that one.

Happy Holidays???

2008-11-05T12:12:00.000-08:00

♫The Sleigh Bells Ringing. Just hear those sleigh bells ringing and jing ting tingaling too!♫ Yup, its barely November and already the gargantuan marketing machine that is Christmas is churning its gears. Listen carefully...do you hear that? Yeah, its Christmas songs on the radio. Wait...whats that over there? Happy Holidays signs and is that Santa in front of Safeway?

Did we skip November? Did Thanksgiving pass already and I didnt know it? I guess with the subsequent change from Merry Christmas to the barely tolerable Happy Holidays it was only a matter of time for that tagline to include more months out of the year. It only makes sense since Holiday really means any Holiday.

Next year we will start seeing Happy Holiday signs in October including Halloween in its monopolization of the year. "Holiday" music will reign down our ears all year round until we just conform to the idea that Jesus comes back as a bunny and Santa is really an alcoholic. Wait, I think we already have.

So let us give thanks this coming Thanksgiving to this infectious tagline as it takes over all other Holidays as it repeats an American tradition; Manifest Destiny. Because being politically correct means from sea to shining sea. We've made Christmas an American Holiday bitches, take that you foreigners!

Vote or shut the hell up

2008-11-04T14:21:00.000-08:00

Its Election Day. *lets out a sigh of relief* Finally. This seemed like a long day coming and I swore to myself that I would try really really hard not to blog about my political opinion even though the material was almost too good to let pass but I did it.

I found strength in the fact that tons and tons of blogs do posts on their political views and sound inane, stupid, narrow and biased and I didnt want to sound like that regardless of how well I could develop my argument. The strength to the argument would be irrelevant next to the fact that people just dont give a shit about what you think. They are gonna make up their own damn minds and they dont need to hear who you are going to vote for.

So, do your civic duty and just vote.

Shhh...Im talking

2008-11-04T01:47:00.000-08:00

As my ears bleed the invisible tears of agony and my eyes drift into the space in front of my face, she just keeps talking about nothing. You know those people that just seem to talk not because they have anything to say but rather they like to hear themselves talk. Its almost like they cant function in a quiet setting.

They drone on long enough where my ears set up road blocks and my eyes have drifted away from reality; long enough that I am no longer looking at them or carry an interested look on my face. Somewhere in between the endless topic changes they seem to conjure up I have slipped into a tiny slice of "dont give a fuck" and have now pulled out the most generic of answers hoping they will get the clue and shut that hole in their face.

They dont even let you speak your mind because they dont care about what you have to say, all they want is for you to lend your ears to their inane ramblings about trivial things that can be interestingly brought up for about 5 seconds from which we can move on to something else. But no, they deem it necessary to make sure they have bludgeoned your ears to death with this crap.

I'll listen to a point but after that point you have gone too far and my mind shuts down because I dont care about that stuff more than my capacity. Im like a bucket overfilled with water. Everything else just pours out as it doesnt even try to catch it as it spills out.

With nothing to say, Im there trying to change the subject with disbelief in my eyes like a deer in the headlights because I cant believe I am witnessing this person ramble on as I stare at them as they make no attempt to make eye contact. They are waving their hands around like it would possibly make them more interesting as they talk to the air in front of their face. I give the most general of responses as to not coax them to speaking more. Ack!! Then it happens, I cant take it anymore. I then say, "check please! Its getting late, I should drop you back off at home. Uhh, yeah sure, Ill give you call...." not on your life.

Sex is not the Answer! Sex is the Question. "Yes" is the Answer.

2008-11-02T22:22:00.000-08:00

I realized how easy it is for a woman to seduce me. All it really takes is a nice smile, a glance over in my direction and for her to say something along the lines of "wanna go back to my place?" And boom! Im pretty much yours. Of course I have standards but pretty much any cute girl that tries to seduce me basically has me at "whats your name?" Does that make me easy? No, that makes me open minded, haha.

But then I realized that its hard work to seduce a woman even if you are good at it, it still takes twice as much time, hell, probably even three times as much. You have to spit your best game, do something out of the ordinary and creative, make her feel special and one of a kind. Pfft, all you have to do to make me feel special is smile at my naughty bits and Ill feel like Im on top of the world.

Women need so much more for the seduction to work while men cant really get seduced because men want to get laid. Women want to get laid only after you have made a committment to making them feel like they are what makes the world go round. Believe me, the world still turns regardless of how fine you look.

Me? I want to get laid regardless of whats going on at the moment, we could be in the middle of church and if you, ladies asked one of us guys to leave in the middle of mass to have sex; if we didnt immediately say yes, we would seriously consider it for about 5 mins and then say yes. The house could be on fire and we would still make the case that theres time to do it.

It doesnt take much to seduce us guys because we are already convinced we want to have sex. There is no such thing as No when it comes to Sex, its just a matter of, "where do you want to do it?"

Up, Up, and uhh....Away?

2008-10-31T23:20:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween Bitches!!!

2008-10-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween Bitches!!!

Ya Mon!

Update: This is not my halloween costume, this was just a wig and some ugly glasses I on put on, haha.

Existence, because its better than Nothing: Part 2

2008-10-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

Where does existence exist if not between life and death? A question much deeper than first perception. Its a question I asked myself leading me to various places in my own mind and have come across certain thoughts. At first glance, the question seems trivial and naive in the awesome scope it presents but look at it deeper. Existence exists. The fact that you can question the fact that existence exists creates an infinite tunnel, like when you hold a mirror up to its reflection creating an infinite tunnel of mirrors. Its a very perplexing question.

But then life and death is thrown in; this presents another question. Do we stop existing once we die? No matter what you believe, if there is a God or not, a heaven or hell, it doesnt matter because what does it mean to exist? To exist goes further than just living. But once we die, do we stop existing? Of course not because people will still have their memories of you. You will exist through memories and thoughts but again, this brings another question.

Do thoughts exist? If so, then in a paradoxial sort of way you could have existed before you were even born. Therefore, you can exist beyond life and death. What does this mean? This means we have to look further into this question.

So what is it to be alive beyond the cliched views of living life to its fullest and do what you want? Life is a form of energy and science has proven we all have a life energy that permeates throughout our body and this goes for all living things, plants, animals, insects, humans. Everything alive has an energy about them. We are a form of energy wrapped in conscious thought.

Taking that idea and adapting it with the law of 'consevation of energy' and it brings us back to the question again. In short, the law of conservation of energy states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another or transferred from one body to another. That means looking at the Universe as a system, the amount of energy stays the same and everything that ever was and is going to exist already does. So what does that say about life and death?

Once we die, do we stop existing? Well from the two principles I just presented it doesnt seem that way does it. This presents an intriguing idea that perhaps was right in front of us the whole time, that something does happen after death because we dont stop existing. But what happens to our thoughts? Do thoughts exist and if so then they must get transferred somewhere else just like energy, correct? Only if thoughts produce energy and I dont know if there is anyone that can tell me what a thought is and show me. Thoughts present a conflict as they are not matter which implies they cannot produce or are emcompassed by energy.

This creates the idea that thoughts can stop existing. I said earlier that we are nothing more than energy wrapped in thought. This presents the idea that what makes us exist are our thoughts but when we die do we stop thinking? Do we stop wondering? Do our thoughts just stop? Is the energy wrapped in those thoughts released like a bird from a cage when we die? However, I believe thoughts transcend life and death because a thought can be transferred to another person in the form of an idea. This is the main principle with energy. So are thoughts energy after all?

Like I once wrote "Im here writing the thoughts that exist already." One thing I feel is an undeniable fact in the Universe is that everything exists already. Every thought, every feeling, every bit of everything that is going to be and was is already there. The thing is our understanding of it doesnt allow us to see everything.

One thing people must understand is that living and existing are two completely different things. If they were one in the same then our existence would start and end in an instant. Life is nothing more than an afterthought in the stew of cosmic proportions, nothing more than the universe trying to figure out its own worth and existence. We've always existed and therefore, will always be.

The Horror Flick

2008-10-28T22:39:00.000-07:00

B-horror movies, the most underrated, underappreciated, most fun and cheesiest part of the film industry to date. What makes horror so cheesy and yet at the same time creates very strong cult followings? Im a sucker for a good horror flick; nowadays however its hard to find some good horror. Everything seems too clichéd and done to death (no pun intended). Every movie seems to need an explanation of why scary shit is happening and thats a need suited more toward the audiences more-so than the formula of the movie. That is genre's biggest achilles heel, it focuses more on the explanation rather than character development or a compelling story.

Having said that, a lot of big name actors and actresses have humble beginnings in horror movies.

Johnny Depp had a part in "Nightmare on Elm Street" as the poor naive boyfriend who gets sucked into his own bed and exploded into a fountain of blood. Classic.
Or how 'bout Paul Rudd from Knocked Up having a rather big part in "Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers" and Katherine Heigl also from Knocked Up being in "Bride of Chucky."
Hillary Swank in "Sometimes they come Back...Again" a straight to video horror flick.
Matthew Mcconaughey and Renee Zellweger both had parts in "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation."

People get experience and a paycheck from acting scared and spitting cliched horror movie banter. I think that also adds to the mystique that are horror movies. You never know if you are watching a future big name actor in the prebuescent stage of their careers.

However, still prevelant today though not as much as it was back in the 80s which I consider the golden age of horror, its about breasts, blood, gore and sex. Not a bad combo but it doesnt work anymore. They tried that formula in the 90s and the early millenium and what churned out were pieces of crap. It worked in the 80s because people had never seen such gore or breasts on such a public level.

Directors and producers looked for every reason to get these teen kids naked and then butchered.

Script

"[insert scary movie title]"

Girl with huge Tits:

[she's walking into an old run down cabin]

"Donny, are you in here? Stop playing."

[scary noise behind her]

Girl with huge Tits:

(she turns to look)

"This isnt funny. Whatever then Donny! Im gonna naked and take a shower then."

[Girl with huge Tits gets naked, flashes her breasts and gets wet]

[Guy in mask comes into bathroom, cops a feel, and slashes her to death]

That right there is grade-A stuff if it were the 80s then we could roll it, film it, edit it, and ship it.

I love horror movies but one thing that I cant stand are those douchebags that think its funny to make comments and laugh during inappropriate times in the movie. Why? Do you think you are watching a comedy? Do you need to prove you arent scared to your friends and a theater full of strangers? Dont ruin the movie for me, shut the fuck up. I dont need to hear your unfunny comments. We get the point, you think youre brave because you can laugh in scary movies. Fucking douche bags.

Mind Hiccups

2008-10-28T03:25:00.000-07:00

I have yet again hit that proverbial wall. There's been a lot of things on my mind as of late and translating those thoughts into cohesive written posts has been somewhat difficult. The thoughts are there, just not the motivation to actually form them into anything comprehensible.

Too bad they aren't trivial thoughts like, I wonder what bubbles taste like or what does a day-dream look like at night? Somehow its possible to have things to write about but not the actual train of thought to actually write. Its much easier to ponder and move from moment to thought and back again rather than lay pencil to paper sometimes.

My remedy is to just type until something comes out that is worth reading. The cure is of course to write and release the thoughts. I guess I could always slam my head on the keyboard a couple of times and see what comes out, that usually produces some good posts. Or like my uncle used to do when something didnt work, beat the crap outta it until it did. I could always whack my head a couple of times until it starts to work and the lights turn on again. Maybe I should just drive to the ghetto side of town and witness some ghetto shit like babies still in diapers running around outside unsupervised or ice-cream trucks with spinners or a ford taurus with a spoiler welded to the trunk. Yeah, its pretty ghetto in the right places. I call 'em the G-spots.

Well, whatever the case I gotta get outta this funk. So Ill leave you with a question and a hint to my next post. Where does existence exist if not between life and death?

Another Hauntingly Delicious Playlist

2008-10-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

Alright kiddos, Im giving you another Halloween playlist to jam out to to hold you over till Friday. Remember, there are already Halloween songs loaded on the music player and if you want to download any of those visit this page Here for the links.

This song has a really cool groove to it that you forget its a song about Halloween. The piano riff really digs into your ears and you start bobbing your head to it. It really is a catchy song for Halloween and you dont realize its about Halloween until the chorus which also digs deep into your head.
No Kids - For Halloween

This one is a throw back to the 80s. Anyone familiar with Freddy Krueger and Will Smith as the Fresh Prince this song will immediately take you back to the 80s. Its not only a catchy hip-hop song with the haunting Nightmare on Elm Street theme mixed in, its a story, a weak one but alas a story overlaid an awesome track. Classic hip-hop, you gotta listen to it.
DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince - Nightmare on My Street

I really like the simplicity of this song with its haunting vocals. Its a perfect sound for the softer side of Halloween. The clapping and singing really hooks you in and the OoOo's in the background really do capture some soft side of Halloween.
Evangelicals - The Halloween Song

I just heard this song recently and since then it has hooked me in with long steel hooks right into my flesh and it hasnt let go yet. This song is really catchy and Im not even sure whats its about but it does have that scary vibe to it that makes it perfect for Halloween. Have a listen.
Kerli - Walking On Air

Ahh-Choo!! Damn it!!

2008-10-23T00:10:00.000-07:00

Here's a little quandary for ya.

Guys, have you ever been at a girl's house and had to piss, so you rushed to the restroom and in the midst of whipping out your naughty muscle and letting rip the yellow stream of relief your nose decides there's is just too much lavender scent floating in the air and needs to sneeze? This of course causes your flawless aim of your piss stream to wobble chaotically and splash all over the place including the toilet seat because of course you forgot to raise the seat up, the floor, and the bathroom floor mats leaving you standing there with your dick in your hand alone and for some ungodly reason, no toilet paper in the bathroom. Now in a desperate search for something to clean some of this mess you search through the medicine cabinet and under the sink for something, anything. You find only one thing, a maxi pad. "Its absorbent enough," you think to yourself and you can NOT leave this bathroom looking like you were marking your territory all over her bathroom in some demented message saying "you are mine!!" So you whip out that pad and realize "hey, they really are absorbent."

No? Yeah, me either...uhh, I was just speaking hypothetically here, of course.

Individualism at the Cost of being like Someone

2008-10-20T01:27:00.000-07:00

Conformity, that relative perspective based on who is looking in from the outside. Its the new popular thing to fight and there are so many people that want to contend this subjective way of life even while conforming themselves. It doesnt make sense because its a ridiculous fight to have. In America and even the world, people fight the conformity of a certain group with another group of people. Does that even make sense?

Everyone wants to be so unique that they sacrifice their dignity in the corrosive stew that is hypocrisy.

The Emo kids are all into that MySpace fad and conform to a certain look, a certain outlook on life, and to the idea that inane self photos are something we want to look at. Yeah because I hate life and everyone in it so much that Im gonna get jet black hair, comb my bangs over one of my purple and blue colored eyeballs, wear tight jeans and plaid shirts while choosing only dark shades of black to dress in. Their message: "Fuck the world and conformity you fucking drones, dont you see life sucks?! Dont conform to the way the world wants you to act! Now if you dont mind Im gonna go back to my friends that understand me because I dont conform to no group.....uhhh, yeah."

The Jocks/Frat Boys have conformed to the idea that looking down on everyone while acting like complete arrogant assholes and drinking till their livers are utterly useless is the way to live. So judge away you half-witted idiots, Ill be the one at 40 with a still working liver. Popped collars, pink dress shirts, plaid pants and shorts with spikey hair is their look.

There is nothing I cant stand more than popped collars. What are you, a vampire? Put that damn collar down you douchesnozzle! They somehow see it necessary to judge people based on the way they party. For example, if you dont drink or party with them then you are not down and have been branded an outsider. If you arent completely wasted by 3 o'clock then you are somehow not the smart one.

The Fake Gangsters have decided that wearing oversized baseball caps slanted and on the side of their heads with large shirts that drape down to their knees as they tuck the back into their boxers and have their pants dangle somewhere by their knees was the look they were going for. If I wanted to somehow represent how much money I had or how fly I was then of course the only the logical way to do this is to get a gold grill for my teeth, obviously. So, let me exchange a twenty dollar bill into all one dollar bills, wrap that in a fifty and roll that bitch up and flash it around, Im hip and straight up gangsta shit now. I hope being a complete idiot as I flash money I dont have will get me shot, for the street cred of course. Thats straight up gangsta!

This stuff all drips into and within cultural groups like hispanics, asians, african americans and white kids. Its a widespread hypocrisy.

But back to those that fight conformity or those who try not to be like everyone else so they try to be extremely individualistic to the point where they judge everyone by their own standards and look down on anyone that is not like them. Contradicting their very meaning of individualism. Conformity by nature is a part of human behavior, this is an undeniable fact. Speaking, wearing clothes, good manners are all proof of this fact. Trying to be an individual in society is tricky but trying to be different is easy when crazy is a viable option.

So be wary of those people that are quick to judge and form an opinion quickly on issues they partly understand because they are just trying to fight conformity at the cost of being hypocritical.

Im gonna dress up as....

2008-10-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

Lame

Im pretty sure we've all experienced this before. You've been invited to a Halloween party the week prior and you kept put off finding a costume for it because you figure, "hell, I dont need to dress up, Ill just show up." Then you find out people are dressing up, the thing is gonna be a blast, everyone is gonna have a costume and you are gonna look lame just showing up in regular ass clothes.

Now you are in a dilemma just staring at your closet trying to find something that could be considered a costume. First off, dont grab something that you would normally wear in the middle of the week or during gym class, that shit doesnt count. Go back inside and grab something else.

Grabbing a quick fix like a wig or some playful horns doesnt count either, it only counts as a half-assed attempt at trying to make yourself look dressed up. It doesnt look good when you are wearing a lame halo on your head in jeans and a t-shirt. Are you dressed up as a college student on laundry day? Yeah, go back inside and find something else.

Dont come in your bath robe either, that shit just looks stupid and expected. Are you gonna go to the party to take a bath and shave? Yeah, you might have thought it was a brilliant idea but its not. You'll end up looking like the weird pervert in the corner with a bathrobe on seemingly waiting for someone to come over just so you can flash them your forbidden fruits. Now, get those curlers outta your hair and keep brainstorming.

Nope, a sheet over your head doesnt count either. You dont even eyeholes, Oh, you are gonna cut out the holes. That shows some dedication but you know what, its LAME. I think it would be better to just come with a garbage bag over your head, oh, thats what you were gonna do because you didnt want to ruin your sheets. Get your ass back inside and keep trying.\

Cool, you have your graduation gown still. No! Go put that back, dont make me smack you with good taste.

What the hell is that? A shirt with the caption "This is my costume." Sigh. Nope, try again. Dont you dare grab that toilet paper either and wrap yourself with it. A toilet paper mummy is just as lame as that t-shirt. You dont want drunk guys trying to wipe their asses on you all night, so go put that back. Plus you're probably need it later for eating that bean burrito.

No cross dressing either. No one wants to see your douchebag ass dressed in the opposite sex.

Alright, looks like you are shit outta luck now. Hmmm. Thats why you should have had a costume ready now you are gonna be at the party looking lame. Ok, last ditch effort. Grab me some clippers, some gel, a diaper and a bib. Yeah, we'll make something happen.

Happy Partying!!

Yes Please!!!

Let me Shoot one Off!

2008-10-16T00:08:00.000-07:00

Archers, check. Guns, check. Beer, check. Camouflage, check. Cash, Check or Credit Card, check. Yeehaws and Woohoos, check. What am I talking about? Big Game Hunters. There's a lot of hunters out there and a lot of money in that industry and a lot of hunters that get aroused when they handle a gun.

The bigger the gun the bigger the boner. Let me recount what probably happens all the time in those hunting trips.

As "Big John Joe" handles his Winchester Wildcat Bolt Action 22 he wrestles with his massive erection as to not to give away his position. Rubbing up against a massive tree he spots a Buck in the distance. Too aroused by the big caliber bolt action rifle laying in his hands, Big John Joe prematurely shoots his load and misses the Buck in his sights. The Buck then charges Big John Joe as his buddy Slim Jim Johnny shoots one off onto the Bucks face with his .338 magnum. Woohoo and Yeehaws ensue.

"Darn, that big sumamabitch almost got me there, aye Jim."
"Sure did John Joe, I sure got 'em in the face for ya. Woohoo! I aint got this magnum cocked for nuthin'."
"Thats for sure Jim. You let your load out right on its face. Musta felt good aye Jim?"
"Sure did John Joe, felt reeeel good. Almost like that last one you got but up the ass, member that one Joe."
"Sure do Jim. That big sumamabitch didnt want to go down for me, but I hit it up the ass and then let one go on its face. Then it went down for me just like my wife, aye Jim, harhar."
"Yeehaw! Ill drink to that, grab me a beer will ya Joe."

Now, if you are a hunter and this happened to you word for word, remember, I wasnt there and I just made this up.

The truth of the matter is, is that big game hunting and guns are big business. Its a driving force in the American economy but it certainly appeals to a certain demographic doesnt it. It appeals to that demographic that handles a gun and feel a tickle in between their legs. Guy or Girl. Sure, the power of handling a gun is cool but I wouldnt ever shoot something alive with it. Ill pop a cap in a pop can sure, hell, I would even shoot a stop sign if I really needed to get one off but other than that I just cant understand the necessity to hunt big game at such an alarming rate other than to drive business.

Really?! Is business and recreation the only reason; and the answer is yes. We dont need to hunt for our food anymore. Hell, most hunters just like trophies.

I wont argue with the fact that the hiking and the trip into the wilderness is actually fun and worthwhile but then it gets to the point when you are now just out there to kill some shit. Yeehaw!

Hunting is for that demographic that live in rural areas of the country where there just isnt shit else to do other than to get away from the house and find some shit to kill. Woohoo!

Big business drives this recreational sport. And it is sport, it isnt survival, its sport now. People have become so desensitized to the point that killing for sport and recreation is nothing to them now. Too much animal porn on the internet and too much blood, guns, guts on television. And what are the two things that sell, sex and guns.

This just in, Big John Joe shot off his dick as he tried to fuck the barrel of his gun.

Heroes....

2008-10-14T01:22:00.000-07:00

NBC's TV series Heroes to me is the new Star Trek for a new generation of nerds and geeks. Im sure you all have heard about the show. The show carries a very loyal following that tries to convince people to watch it and why they should like it rather than just letting people watch it and like it themselves.

The show has galvanized a certain demographic that will follow the show into the depths of disgrace and desperation for ratings. The inevitible plunge into obsercurity and forgotfulness that is the sci-fi channel.

Its not that its a bad show, ok, it is kinda cheesy and I find a lot of the characters very annoying. Its just that the show is forever engraining its reputation with a loyal following in geekdom that will certainly keep most of the actor's careers alive with special appearances at conventions, barbeques and bar mitzvahs after the shows popularity has died that long and slow death.

I dont think the actors are bad at their craft however they are forever type-casting and solidifying their careers inside geekdom. Take for example the most famous galvanized reputation of a geekdom character, William Shatner. 'Nuff said.

Ive heard fans talk about the show and discuss plot twists like their whole reason to exist depended on what happens next. Like the death of the cheerleader would actually question their whole reason to live. You cant just blow off the show with a fan either. They will argue with you why the show is soooo good and why you should watch it. You can try to tell them that you've seen it and it doesnt appeal to you but then they will counter your arguement with some convoluted plot to save the world, cheesy ass powers, and what they think will happen next like hearing their theories will make you want to watch it. After they have blown their load on why you should watch the show they silently crawl back into the shadows from whence they came and masturbate silently to posters of their favorite female hero characters.

I can already picture the conventions in the future. The same teenagers and mid 20s fans that are watching the show now will be there with the cliched beer gut and scruffy chin hair, dressed up to look like a very pathetic version of their favorite hero waiting for the opportunity to ask the cast their conspiracy theories about what happened between the episodes 20 and 21. (*note: I just grabbed those numbers out of the air, because I know the fans will actually correct me on those numbers). Sigh.

Halloween Music Playlist

2008-10-13T01:19:00.000-07:00

So here are the links I promised for the songs in the music player. They appear in this order on my Zombie Teddy Bear if you want to listen to them before you download. If you want any of them just click on the link to save them to your computer. And if you havent listened to them already, shame on you! Dont be scared, they wont haunt you for too long. Happy Listening, *cue evil laugh*

The Theme From Halloween - Come on, this one needs to be in every Halloween music collection. It is the epitomy of creepy scary music that haunts you long after you stopped listening and is instantly recognized from the first note.

Micheal Jackson - Thriller - This one also needs to be in every Halloween music collection. He may be a child molestor nowadays(allegedly) but that just makes the song even more creepy. This song will forever last the test of time for it truly is a song that is boundless from eras.

Godsmack - Voodoo - If you dont know who Godsmack is, shame on you. Their music is so cerebral and ritualistic and their delivery is so haunting that it almost makes you feel like you shouldnt be listening to their music. That dirty feeling of dark ritual singing mixed with rock is perfectly captured by this song. It resonates what eerieness truly is.

Rob Zombie - The Devil's Rejects - It wouldnt be Halloween without Rob Zombie but Im not giving you his trademark song or songs. Im giving you a true masterpiece from the Zombie himself. Its not from his movie of the same title, its from his album titled "Educated Horses" and this song perfectly captures southern twang guitar with haunting singing with a riff and hook that can only be described as resonatingly creepy.

The Rolling Stones - Paint it Black - Now for a song that I first heard on the radio in college and it stuck with me ever since. The tempo, the guitar riff, the creepy painful singing coupled together with the creepy lyrics makes this one a truly scary song. The ambigouity drenched in simplistic imagery makes it dig deep into your subconscious, making you think.

Dr. Demento - Monster Mash - Of course I had to include the Monster Mash. It was only necessary. I dont think there is anyone that hasnt heard this song. 'Nuff Said.

Gnarles Barkley - The Boogie Monster - In the same vein of eerily fun monster songs of Monster Mash, Gnarles Barkley perfectly captures the nature of ghost, ghouls and monsters. The lyrics are sung in a haunting key, whispered lines, deep vocals with a fun beat makes this one for the new generation to have for halloween.

Cradle of Filth - Her Ghost in the Fog - Alright, this one is not for the faint of heart. I truly love this song for its epic feel and scary singing. This song goes through so many phases and vocals throughout with truly epic and scary lyrics being delivered with such force and power that you cant but help admire that type of comittment to the song. Truly scary.

Scary Halloween Music - This is just a song that I found that really has that scary epic Halloween feel to it as well. Just an instrumental but its a song Ive played for the kids in past years on Halloween. It does the trick. Have a listen, if you arent scared.

Lil Rob and Mr. Shadow - Apocalypse - This is another song that is not for the easily creeped out. Its rap overlaid on the Halloween theme, with quick verses and creepy terrifying lyrics this song is one that you can easily get lost in and forget its just a song. Dont be scared, listen to it.

Tears for Fears - Mad World - This song has always been so eerily depressing to me that its scary. Listening to the haunting piano and the sadness in each lyric makes you truly feel the pain and realize the depressing reality of certain people's plights so much so that it makes you fear for them.

MWAHAHAHA!!!

2008-10-11T02:07:00.000-07:00

Check out my new Halloween Playlist -------------------------------------->

I will be adding new songs from here till Halloween. There are a few on there already if you would like to check them out. If you want any of them, dont worry, I will be doing a post in the near future with links to download them but if you cant wait till then, drop me an e-mail and Ill send you the links. If you have any good halloween musical suggestions, by all means, suggest. Leave them in the comment section. And dont foget to go ahead and have a listen, they dont bite. MWAHAHAHA!!!

The Burden of Having a Ball-Sack

2008-10-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah I know, I havent posted in a couple of days, I apologize with my boyish good looks and awesome blog material. Do you forgive me?

So in my blogging absence I realized having a ball-sack is not a good thing. Lets think about this for a second guys. First of all, there is the most obvious reason; getting kicked in the cahoneys does not feel good and it can bring the toughest man down to his knees asking Jeebus what he did to deserve this.
Getting throttled in the nuts is like getting punched in the stomach as someone is reaching down your throat snatching the breath outta your lungs and leaving you there as you search for something to breath and hold on to and finding only a gasp of empty air and a handfull of testicle meat. Yup, its pretty bad.

And it doesnt even take a full force hit to make them hurt either. All it takes is a graze and itll take a couple of seconds for you to realize that yeah, this is gonna hurt. It takes so long that you dont think you will wince in pain and then out of nowhere your balls jump into their garage as you feel every nerve pulsating in that tender sack. Ack!! You search for a breath and all you can do is grab your crotch as you slump over and tell everyone around you "hold on a sec, my...balls....wait....uuhhh....damn this hurts."

Heres another example of this sack of inconvenience between our legs. When going into cold water to swim. Walking in or jumping in, it doesnt matter because your balls shoot up to the back of your throat and for a moment you will talk like a 12 year girl. I dont know how your nuts know how to navigate the intricate system of your intestines, stomach, and up the throat to become your "man tonsils" but they do. Its instinct. They jump up there as if saying "fuck that, I aint going into that cold water." Next time you walk into cold water, as soon as you get about knee high in water open your mouth for someone to see and your nads will be hanging off your uvula (thats the dangly thing in the back of your throat).

How 'bout the fact that gravity is not kind to that patchy flesh of sack; ask any old man if their nut pouch has gone for a swim when taking a dump. Time is not kind to that area fellas. Already we have to find nice underwear to wear for that comfortable support that doesnt ride up our nut sack. But when we get older, that nut sack will probably just wander outside of the designated area. And ball wedgies are the worse when you have them and are trying to take them out with no one seeing. So we guys usually take that awkward side step to try and relieve ourselves of that ball-wedgy.

This is what it boils down to; the balls are the penis' entourage. They roll where ever the penis rolls and as he is in the V-club they are outside working security. And when have you met cool security guards. I rest my case.

Trick or Treat, Give me Something Good to Eat.

2008-10-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

I love Halloween. Its my favorite time of year; yes even moreso than Christmas time. Im sorry Jesus, I still love celebrating your birthday but your birthday doesnt let me dress up like an undead zombified lawyer or act like a complete jackass.

I love the fact that you can escape from whatever it is you need to get away from and become something else even if it is just for that one night. You can be anyone and hide behind any persona or mask and just have fun with it. It might be the most trusting time of the year also where people are visiting and talking with complete strangers in the streets, clubs, homes, everywhere. From this you can really get a feel of why this one day may be the culmination of being comfortable with people and what it is to be actually free of certain insecurities.

And for me, it goes even deeper. I love the undeniable rush of fear and its ability to make some people crap their pants. Halloween has this ability moreso than any other time of year to evoke this emotion based on superstition, insecurities, past memories and people's own mind. Its so interesting to see how fear works with people.

I mean how awesome is it to go door to door to get free shit. I dont eat candy but I know plenty of people that do and this time of year is just awesome because you can either take a kid to go trick or treating and grab yourself a bag to get some free candy or you can buy bundles and bundles of bite sized candies at discount prices for you to enjoy.

So, this Halloween, let loose, go to some parties, grab some asses, get slapped a couple of times. Hell, no one will no its you, it was Dracula, he's a horn dog. Trick or Treat, Give me Something Good to Eat.

Times to Use Cuss Words

2008-10-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

I figured that some of you may be wondering when its proper to use cuss words and you know what, the answer is real simple if you just dont give a fuck. You can use them whenever the fuck you feel like it but if there is still some confusion then let me help you out. Times to use cuss words:

When the world is gonna end:

Holy Shit! We're Fucked!

When you are about to break your face:

Oh Fuck! This is really gonna hurt!

When you see stairs like these:

Ah, Fuck this!

When someone is running you over:

Watch my Fucking Arm!!!

When you see something as ghetto as this:

What the Shit?!! Thats Fucking Ghetto!

When a bull is about to ruin your day and face:

Holy Shit! Get the Fuck out of the Way!!

When you realize you are about to lose the feeling in your legs:

Holy Shit! This is gonna hurt but at least it'll be a fucking great shot!

When you get knocked the fuck out:

Oh Shit! You just got knocked the fuck out!

When you've made a dumb choice in where to stand:

This was a fucking bad idea, we shouldnt have set up here! Shit!!!

Now, take these lessons with you and starting cussing up a storm

My Eye-Holes wont Shut!

2008-10-04T02:10:00.000-07:00

Insomnia, we've all had it, well most of us anyway. The sleep deprived population that cant stop thinking about what they have to do the next day or what they just did that day. You know how it works, you look at the clock and its 3 hours after you have laid your tired ass down to bed and your eyes refuse to stay closed and your mind refuses to shut the hell up.

They are like a stubborn bleeding drunk guy; your eyes bloodshot refusing to stay down and imploring the party to keep going. No! Now listen to me eye-balls, you've had enough for one day, you've seen all you can see for today now lets call it a night. But no! For some reason your eye-holes want to keep going until they puke out regurgitated scenes from throughout the day as your eye-lids slowly slide down just so you can reopen them and stare blankly into the endless darkness that are your thoughts. Ugh!

So what happens; you end up laying there in the darkness like a jack-ass staring at the ceiling and you end up arguing with yourself about how tired you are going to be in the morning.

"Oh man, Im gonna feel this in the morning. If I get to sleep now (looks at clock) I would have about (does math in head) 3 hours of sleep! Fuck! Why cant I just get my dumbass to sleep; because youre an idiot and cant stop thinking about dumb shit like you are doing now. Ok, calm down. Just stop thinking. But if I stop thinking will I know Im thinking therefore I would still be thinking about not thinking as I am supposedly not thinking. I wonder if the Universe is like that in such an egsistential place. I wonder how big the Universe really is. Oh speaking of big, did you see that big ass on that chick today. Oh damn it! I did it again! Go to sleep!"

And thats how the majority of the night goes by. It doesnt help that your body also wants to toss and turn while you are still awake making for one helluva wrestling match between the mind and body. I usually end up lying somewhat on my side with one of my legs stretched straightout while the other is bent and pulled up with my knee almost under my chin. One of my arms is usually stretched across my back and tucked underneath me while the other wants to act like an arm pillow to my head until the blood stops flowing and I have to move my whole body all over again into some other contorted masterpiece just to get comfortable again.

The worse part is not even the waking up feeling like the digestive leftovers of crap, its not even the fact that for the whole next day your face will reflect what shit looks like. Its that you know that another night of this fuckin' shit is waiting for you. Maybe Ill watch some reality tv shows, that stuff always makes me go brain dead.

College Lessons: 101 "Best Of" Edition

2008-10-03T01:35:00.000-07:00

I havent done College Lessons in a while so I thought I would go into my archives and pull out the "best of" of my College Lesson series. I have plenty more lessons to deal out for your precious meat patty in your head but before I start a new series of lessons Im pulling out the classics. So as I always say, take a puff on this proverbial fatty of college wisdom, its time for some knowledge bullets aimed at your cranium. Locked and Loaded, click, click, boom! You feel that? Thats your head drinking it in.

Best of:

I learned that eggs, ham, bacon, and cheese on a toasted bun is the most delicious thing in the whole world...at 4 in the morning
I learned that a triple shot of 151 on a friday will ruining your Sunday
I learned that no matter how much of a geek I thought I was there was always the boffing club
I learned that no matter how early in the week you start your homework you always end up cramming to get everything done the night before
I learned that if you're going to host a wild party during which the cops show up, be prepared to not collect your security deposit when you move out
I learned that pajamas are acceptable attire for class
I learned that the people you have one night stands with have the uncanny ablitity to always run into you on campus
I learned that no matter how busy you are, your friends always think there's time to par-TAY!!
I learned that once you're drunk it doesnt matter how many beers you've had, another one always seems like a good idea
I learned the 5 food groups; cheeseburgers, hot dogs, pizza, top ramen, and poptarts
I learned that having sex on your desk while it still has your homework lying on it causes you to have to re-write the whole thing
I learned that drinking a Bookoo followed by a Redbull gives you energy to do everything except the stuff you need to do
I learned that girls dont want you to help them with their homework, they want you to do it for them
I learned that a formal party means getting drunk in a dress shirt
I learned that struggling to get up for an 8am class sucks especially when you get to class to see a note on the door that reads "Class Cancelled" BitterSweet Fuck! I could be in bed right now
I learned that waiting for the bus in the blistering cold of winter freezes your boogers to your lips without you even noticing them until you reach your class and they start to melt again
I learned that running for the bus with a back-pack full of heavy ass books makes you run wobbly with your arms awkwardly pumping up and down
I learned that running to the bus stop as the bus passes you doesnt necessarily mean the bus driver will wait for you
I learned that if you wake up late for class you end up just saying "ah fuck it, Im already late, might as well stay in bed"

For the Complete College Lesson Series click Here

Humor Bloggers Unite

2008-10-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

Alright Mint-Acolytes, its Humor Bloggers Unite Week (for world domination) because diplomacy is for pansies! Go over to Humor Bloggers to check out the details. We want to dominate the whole inter-webs so wont you help us accomplish this, we promise to be nice.

There's also a contest going on for Humor Blogger of the year, so click Here to visit the site and vote for me. You guys know how awesome I am, Ive been to the moon and circled the globe like a hundred times, that qualifies me for humor blogger of the year even though those two things have nothing to do with blogging. Just go there and vote for me.

Also, the Humor Carnival is going on which is basically...ummm, I dont really know what its for but we are supposed to write a post on either How I grew up in the 60’s (70’s,80’s whatever) or Rules my Parents made up or both. So, Im taking the opportunity to do my post here.

Humor Carnival Submittal:

"90s Big Livin"

But Im so young that Im still growing up so I might mix both themes.

Let me go way back to the ancient times of the 90s. Oh, how that is so far away when I think about it. So Im just gonna get this outta the way, I was kinda chunky growing up. I was a skinny kid when I was younger but I started to pig out on chicken McNuggets and the All-American Meal(do you remember that meal, I sure do) from McDonalds during my middle school years and the pounds started to pack on. Damn that Ronald McDonald and his stupid red hair and tricking me into thinking that I needed to Super Size everytime.

No, Get away from me you frozen meat addict!

Well, anyway, I used to eat a lot of McDonalds back in the day but I dont anymore, I havent touched McDonalds food in about 6 years. Not since it made me sick and puke. But I digress. My parents would make up rules on the fly about McDonalds just to shut my sister and I up. For instance, if we were visiting someone usually my sister and I would be freakin' bored out of our minds. Thats when we would start taking jab shots at one another. We would try to be quiet as possible as we sat there on someone's couches and then every so often we would punch each other's thigh and then sit still like no one just saw what happened. Usually my sister would pinch me and twist, OUCH!!! I still remember the pain but I would try to sit still but NOT when I would jab at my sister, she would act like I just shot her in the leg and she would never walk again. She being the drama queen that she was, she always overplayed the situation just to make sure I got into trouble. Thats when we would just all out wrestle with one another while my sister was screaming like I was trying to murder her and I was just laughing my ass off because I knew how much trouble we were gonna be in.

But anyway, since my sister would over react, come on who cant take a punch, she was such a pussy, haha; my mom would be talking to her friend and then look over at us with that crazy glare that haunts you in your dreams. We knew what it meant, "just wait till we get home, vas a ver." If we really started to act up my mom would tell us if we behaved we would go to McDonalds and me being the chubby kid at the time, I would fall for it. There was never any McDonalds to be had. I fell for it everytime.

I can remember my childhood better when Im remembering it with someone else but there are definitely moments that stick out. Like the whole 90s clothing line. Ugh, what a horrible fashion decade that was. I remember the whole criss-cross fad where you would wear your clothes backwards, what the hell was that about. Or even the wearing of the pants down to your knees, well thats still prevalent but still, in the 90s it was worse because the pants were either dickies or huge jeans that shouldnt be worn that low. I remember the whole thing where women would wear those football shoulder pad blouses, what was that about. Or people wearing the faded jeans, *shivers* And people still are living in that fashion statement today. Yikes!

Anyone got Clean Underwear?

2008-10-01T01:32:00.000-07:00

Ive been watching this whole economic crisis closely. There have been so many little subliminal things in the media that hints at total confusion and instability in the debacle of this situation. Some of the polictical pundits are saying one thing one hour and then another the next. For example, they are saying dont panic, continue to do what you are doing, hold on to some cash but just dont panic. Then they were saying, this situation is so bad that one day you might go to the ATM and they wont give you any money, that your accounts will be frozen and your money may be gone.

So, let me get this straight. I shouldn't panic when I go up to the ATM and they spit out a receipt telling me to "fuck off, your money aint here." What am I supposed to do, go out for some ice cream and tell all the bill collectors, dont panic, I just dont have any money anymore?

They were also giving tips on how to get through this whole debacle; And they, Im not kidding, advised to not do anything to make you lose your job. Hmmm, so you're saying that I shouldnt consider punching my boss in the face as I piss in the coffee pot while taking a shit in the elevator. Who would be considering to get fired anyway? Especially right now. Its such an obvious tip that they might as well of said, "if you keep breathing, you will live and maybe live through this crisis."

Hell, Ive got some tips too. Make sure when you have to take a shit, you go to the bathroom and take a shit. Make sure you wash your hands or else the economy might not recover. And make sure you eat when you are hungry and to open your eyes to make sure you see where you are going. Follow these simple tips and you will make it through this economic crisis. What are we idiots?

And another thing that really chaps my ass and will probably offend some people is the fact that they are dubbing this the worse economic crisis in history with the biggest point drop in history and it IS that big of a deal, Im not disagreeing on that; but YET, the "bailout plan" didnt get passed as they were saying the economy could go into a free fall because of this and could be mere days away of total collapse AND YET, all of the jewish senators are away on jewish sebatacle for their holiday. What the FUCK!!! Your country is in the worse situation it has ever experienced, mere weeks or days away from complete failure, total chaos only a breath away and you fuck heads have to go away for a vacation?!! Fuck, even Jon Stewart is working and he's Jewish, fuck, most Jewish people are still working. Get back there and get to fucking work you pansies!!!

So, the bailout plan was not passed and now the Republicans are saying it was because they got their feelings hurt. Are you fucking kidding me? Let me understand this, your party was trying to sell the idea that this economic crisis could single handly destroy the US economy and yet you cant even agree with your supposed leaders to vote for a package to set in motion the rebuilding of the economy because your feelings were hurt? You are the guys that were implying such urgency. Whats going on here?

This whole situation is just frustrating. Here's my recommendation, get back to work you fucking politicians, we Americans wont just work when you sit around on holiday or complain about such trivial things like getting your feelings hurt. Just hurry up before we start using clean underwear as currency. Im running low on that too because of how many times you have made me shit my pants.

100% TheFLy Approved

2008-09-30T14:57:00.000-07:00

As I start to read more and more blogs, I keep finding excellent blogs to read. Since Im such an awesome guy and a creative wizard I like to give out songs to the blogs I enjoy reading that deserve some cool recognition. I think handing out the same old re-hashed awards is SOOO boring. Not just words here, you can actually get down with your bad self with my award. So, what I try to do is find a song that captures the blogger and their blog.

Feel free to listen to the songs that I have dedicated to each of you and embed them if you like 'em. Just click share for the code. Enjoy!

Wit's Bitch
First up is ChatBlanc from over at Wit's Bitch. She has such an honest sense of humor that keeps you coming back for more to read. As soon as I finished reading one of her posts I was immediately hooked and had to return for more of that dry wit. Her blog is well written and you never get bored reading it.

So ChatBlanc, you seemed to me like someone who justs wants to get away and find something fun to do. Just like everyone else Im sure but a forever twenty-nine something should have a song to remind her that others want it too. I think this song captures what Im trying to say, hope you like.

DebbieDoesDrivel
Next up is Debbie. This is a very cute blog. I end up giggling because of how cute Debbie is in writing her post. Her posts sound so innocent and adorable that its hard not to like what you are reading. Its a blog that I keep coming back to just to see what she has cooking up in that brain of hers this time. She sounds like a real nice woman and her posts are always interesting. Go take a look.

I kept thinking about this song when writing about your blog. I think it suits you and your blog Debb. I dont really know how old you are but the way you express yourself and sound, Id say you would be in your late 20s or early 30s, I know you're not but thats how Im gonna think of you. Whatever the case, you are just so adorable, haha.

My Suburban can run over your minivan....and will
Jamie will run over your mini van with her Suburban. Dont tempt her. She is a bad ass in your face blogger with her opinion and the way she expresses herself. Its fun and hilarious to read her thoughts. They are always off the wall and it never bores. She has a wide collection of theme songs in a music player, go and check 'em out.

So, since I think you know how to enjoy a good jam and probably like some head bobbing music Im giving you this tune. Its a remix of two songs, I think it reflects you being a mix of a bad ass and a mom. Thats thaaaattt.

Bee
Ive already given you an award but since I enjoy reading your blog and Im pretty sure you have some hispanic decent in you, which basically makes us cousins. I thought you would love this song.

So, do what you want with my stamp, put it up on your blog and let everyone know that I approve, haha, or leave it here or embed the song on your blog, just click on the share and get the code; there are no rules for it. Its just me giving you 100% approval of awesomeness. Enjoy the moment, drink it in, it always goes down smooth.

buzz buzz

My Bailout Plan

2008-09-29T02:03:00.000-07:00

All this talk about the economy has got me concerned and surely it has most people concerned as well. And if you aren't, you better well should be. This is gonna effect us all. This dire economic crisis puts us all in a very hard place so Im gonna lay out just some rough plans to follow so we all can make it through this dilemma.

First, just start making your own money because the dollar is gonna be worthless soon. It wont be worth any more than monopoly money, wait, I think the monopoly money right now on the market is worth more. Nevermind. So, just grab some notebook paper, cut them out in equal pieces and design it in whatever way you want. Most likely, your money will be worth just as much as the dollar but at least yours will be way more stylish and since there will be less of it with no factories over producing it, it will be worth loads. Plus, your home-made money wont be held up in crumbling banks and worthless mortgages. Just do what they did on wall street and keep re-selling something worthless over and over again until you walk away rich. You keep doing that, your money will just mix in with everything else and the government will most likely bail you out too.

Or how 'bout just use the little known loop hole where you can secede your property from the United States and become a sovereign nation. Then slowly just invade your neighbor's yards and then the whole block. Mortgage values are so worthless right now, no one will fight you in taking the land. Then once you have successfully taken over your whole block, rise the value by not letting anyone on there. Put up a sign "No Girls Allowed! Only Hot Women!" Once you have raised the equity and worth of your multiple homes and real estate, gamble the mortgage values in the stock market again and compound the interest rates until they are too high to even pay and resell the property over and over again without paying a cent while collecting all the money. Once you have all you want, hahaha, sorry, we can never have enough, my bad. Once the homes and mortgage values have reached their peaks of total uselessness, then walk away. Dont worry, whatever debt you walk away from, the government should bail you out.

Here's another one. Study up on Space Aeronautics and become an astronaut and move to outer space because World War part 3: Revenge of the Ignorance is about to bust out and Id rather have box seats to that show than be on the field when everyone rushes it.

Hard Nipples...err, I mean High Beams

2008-09-28T12:20:00.001-07:00

So as some of you know, Im back. I went up to Seattle for a couple of days, drank a little beer, had some laughs and had some Fatburger, mmmm. Did you miss me? Come on, be honest, you did.

I was contemplating if I should wait till after the weekend to blog about something because I really didnt have the motivation to ooze out some thoughts but I said what the hell. If it sounds like shit its probably because it is shit, haha.

So, while I was driving back at night, there would be cars or trucks that would forget to turn down their high beams. Man, that is annoying. You're going up some hill and over the crescent you can see what looks like daylight except a milky yellow or white and you know its someone driving with their high beams on. Sometimes you see them remember to turn it down and then there are those times when they are just so unaware that they have it on and rather just let people get blinded by them. Here's a hint to remember, if you can see clearly at night because the light shines for miles and you can see the tops of trees and possibly right into other cars and see the whites of other peoples eyes, then you have your high beams on, turn them down!

I can see their freakin' lights from miles away and the whole time Im trying to squint and avoid looking directly into the light. My thoughts become something from a death scene; Dont look into the light!!! But its almost impossible not to get a splash of green in your vision. As soon as the car passes, you have to now battle with your own vision because this jackass couldnt remember to turn down his high beams.

The rule is you're supposed to flash them so they remember they have their high beams on. Well, these people must not be driving their own car or dont know where their low beams are because I would flash them just so that they could continue to blind me with light from the sun.

And I enjoy driving at night, its my favorite time to drive. Its real easy to relax, forget about everything, get lost in your music or thoughts and its just you and the road for miles. Its very therapeutic for me. And then these asses ruin it for me in those brief moments that linger far after I have passed them. Ugh, now I have to try not to focus on this green splash in my eyesight.

But these high beams are ok, hehe.

WTF Wednesday 9/24/2008

2008-09-24T12:37:00.000-07:00

Since Im not gonna be here for the next two days Im leaving you with a couple of videos. Have a good laugh on me. Dont worry, Ill be back so dont miss me too much.

Now all Hail the Techno Viking on Beat It!!!!

Get Down with the Sickness

2008-09-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

I get annoyed with people that over react on how sick they are and end up going to the doctor for a sore throat, a runny nose, a headache or something equally lame. Supposedly the pain is unbearable, really? Are you serious? The pain at its worse is probably uncomfortable not unbearable. Get shot, cut off a finger, get ebola, shit out blood and cough up a lung then get back to me on how unbearable the pain is and how you had to go to the doctor. Otherwise, I dont want to hear how you cant swallow your favorite cheeseburger or how your boogers keep running down into your lips.

People are so paranoid nowadays and most of them have a germ-phobia that they wont admit. Everything has to be sanitized or as clean as God's anus. Being too removed from germs can actually weaken your immunity to said germs and you can get sick more easily. Now, Im not saying dont wash your hands after you dominate a brown soldier of doom in the toilet or to leave boogers on your hands and sleeves. Im just saying, there is a such thing as being too clean and it can lead to you having a phobia to germs and getting sick. Hell, I cant even remember the last time I got sick and Im not the cleanest guy on earth. Im not saying that Im a slob, just that I dont have an insistent desire to have everything insanely clean. I wash dishes, I do laundry, I dust, I hang up my clothes, you know Im clean but people take it a step further. Like washing off ice cubes. What the fuck? Or sanitizing their hands after they've been outside.

And I understand the need to keep your own kids clean but hell, kids are supposed to get sick. No matter how much you try to keep them clean, they will undoubtedly get sick. So, let them build their immunity, its for the better. And you too, touch something dirty and dont wash your hands. Go on, Ill bet you anything you will live.

And people, dont over react to being sick. Your body needs to get sick to build the immunity it needs to fight the plethora of germs and viruses we have just floating around in the air. No, you are not dying, you just have a headache. The sun isnt going to shoot missles of cancer rays directly into your chest, you can be out in the sun safely. You are not going to starve because you have a sore throat and cant swallow food, eat soup. If you get sick, stay in bed, get some rest, eat healthy food and avoid diary products and Im sure you will recover from your "unbearable" sore throat and runny nose.

Can I see your ID?

2008-09-21T23:08:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, I have a baby face that some would say makes me look 12. I am aware that I do not look old enough to enter a rated R movie without parental supervision but one thing Ive noticed about myself about my "young" look is that when I go buy beer I always feel like the cashier is going to look at my ID and then look at my face and be like, "You expect me to believe you are...24?" Its worse when I walk into a store slightly buzzed to buy beer. Im so worried that my real ID is not going to be good enough, like somehow the cashier is going to refuse to sell me beer. Damn it, all I want is to get my drink on, haha.

Going to buy beer slightly buzzed kills my buzz because I try to act more sober than when I am sober. I try to walk upright and proper without bumping into anything, I try to make my face look old enough to be in the beer section by looking like Im deep in thought about which beer I am going to get. Trying to look sophisticated about my beer selection. I dont zig-zag around the store and I try to walk using the best steps forward. Just so no one questions my ability to buy my beer.

But what actually happens is me walking into the store with a too-serious look on my face like Ive just seen some crazy shit and I need a beer to help me forget. I try to walk straight to my destination but right after I walk in, I stand by the doorway for a moment looking lost because I cant remember which side of the store the alcohol is on. Then when I finally remember, I start walking without trying to look too buzzed or show that I have alcohol in my blood but I knick my toes on display boards, kick stacked pop boxes, almost walk into candy racks, I take the occasional slight off step as I look back to see if I knocked over anything and then almost run into the people walking in front of me. Then in the beer aisle, I grab a 12 pack and then realize it isnt the one I wanted, it just had a similar looking box. Then I put it back and look around for another moment like Im lost and looking for my mommy. "But mom, I want my beer!"

Then, finally after I have made my beer choice I go to the cashier for the moment of truth. Ive tried not looking drunk the whole time Ive been in the store but have failed miserably and then the cashier asks for my ID and I happily obliged by pulling out my library card and handing it to her. Yeah, I dont look too drunk or young enough to buy beer. I just smile as I try to slide my ID to pay for my beer.

The Elusive Female Orgasm

2008-09-19T13:28:00.001-07:00

The ever elusive female orgasm. Some claim it to be myth and others say they have seen it. Well, Im here to tell you that it is real my friends but do you really want to know the difference? Ive seen my fair share of the real thing and also my fair share of the fake ones. And they are almost identical. If you are a connoisseur then you can find the fine details that seperate them and tell each apart. They exist. Its like celebrity look alikes, they look the same, they may sound the same and act the same but upon closer inspection you see the subtleties that make them different. But again, who cares. Thats not a question, thats a statement.

Women are so good at faking orgasms that most of us cant tell the real and fake ones apart but then again would you want to. Imagine you are having sex and all of a sudden she starts to moan and groan and starts to do all these crazy antics but you are able to recognize the little subtleties and now you are rolling your eyes. I would be thinking, "I'll roll off of you here in a sec, Im almost done and then you can go back to your moaning and groaning." See, you dont want to recognize the real and the fake ones. Just let her huff and puff and blow your house down because in the end guys, she probably just wants you to finish up and roll off of her.

Some guys claim they can tell when their "woman" orgasms and then they say that they satisfy her every time. Please. If you could really tell when your "woman" orgasms then she's faked it before and not once but multiple times, how else could you compare the real thing to the counterfeit. You couldnt. And dont give me, "oh, I just know." No you dont, all you know is "Im having sex right now, this is awesome!"

Why would you want to know? Its not like knowing grants you special powers to make her orgasm. Believe me, you dont want to know because then your little guy will feel even smaller and your supposed sexual prowess will dwindle into nothing more than a chihuahua humping a fire hydrant. Ive been told by one of my exes about a time she faked it with me. Let me just say, it wasnt a confidence builder, haha. No matter what I said it didnt matter. Her saying that she faked it is really all that matters in the debate. Thats when the epiphany hit me, I dont want to know. And neither do you.

Now, when Im having sex and she is huffing and puffing and doing all sorts of crazy shenanigans I just think to myself "oh yeah baby, put on a show, I dont care if its real or fake I want an encore." And then I finish up and the final curtain drops, no encore tonight. Im gonna sleep now.

Grab a Front Row Seat to the End of the World

2008-09-18T00:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, the end of the world must be nigh because the world just seems to be on the edge of collapse, or at least it feels that way doesnt it. December 21, 2012 doesnt seem so far-fetched now does it with all these world issues.

We got scientist over in some foreign country palying around with the laws of physics. They built some 17-mile tube to play with called the Hard-on...err, I mean the Hadron Collider which is the largest particle accelerator and is capable of creating black holes. Yeah, thats right, I said black holes. They are playing with a machine that can create black holes. Holy Shit! One moment we might be here having our tea and crumpets and the next we could be having our bodies stretched and sucked down into some black hole never to be heard from again.

Or maybe we'll be lucky and just open up another dimension where Pinhead and his other buddies from Hellraiser will show up for some crazy-ass shenanigans. Its basically like getting the proverbial cock shoved up our asses if we actually create something we've only imagined. Sure it would be cool but then boom! Cocks up the ass and Pinhead would do it too, he's crazy like that.

And what about all these accusations that Obama is the Anti-Christ? Seems ridiculous right but if you're familar with the Book of Revelation and the interpretation of the antichrist; one who speaks the word of peace, unity and hope in a time of world turmoil and war to rise as a world leader. Hmm, sounds like the current world state doesnt it? Its still pretty farfetched but then again, who would have thought that we would have some crazy-ass European scientists playing around with the fabric of space and time. But let me make myself clear, I think that if McCain does get voted in, it might well bring the destruction of the modern world.

And how 'bout the seemingly looming super powers just across the pond that have Nuclear weapons and the other that has the world's largest army, Russia and China. And there is now talks about going to war with Russia! Damn, I guess we really want to finish what we started in the Cold War. Nuke 'em all!!! Just get it over with. And dont even get me started on North Korea and Al Qaeda.

And another thing to add to the overcrowed plate of buffet food, Global Warming is killing all the polar bears! And we all know that once the last polar bear dies all the walruses, penguins and dolphins will uprise to take over the world. Shit! We gotta stop fucking up the earth. Just give us another chance dolphins, we are going green, just give us more time! See, if we dont fix this current environmental issue the dolphins will fuck us up; we might as well live on some scorched rock somewhere in space, wait, I think we are on our way of making our own scorched rock in space already.

Lastly is the galatic alignment of our planet, sun and the Milky Way center where there is in fact a black hole. They will all align on December 21, 2012. And we all know what that means, cocks up the ass. This galactic alignment could cause a polar shift that could cause major environmental disasters because of the gravitational flux. Oh dear me, doesnt it sound like we are totally fucked. If its not one thing its another.

So just grab a front row seat to the end of the world, its a party up in here. Pass me the chips and salsa.

WTF Wednesday 9/17/2008

2008-09-17T02:05:00.000-07:00

Alright its Wednesday again and I got some cute videos to show you. When I get some kids of my own, Im gonna make sure to record everything just so I can hold it against them later when they get older and they are being a pain in the ass.

For the video below, I dont if I should be offended more at what the little girls sounds like she is saying or what the mom says at the end. Whichever, it still sounds pretty funny.

Tuesday's College Lessons: 101

2008-09-16T00:37:00.000-07:00

Its the triumphant return of College Lessons! I took a little hiatus from posting my lessons on Sundays because of the football season but now I have just decided to post them during the week. They will probably be regularly posted on Mondays now.

Ive got some nice warm rolls of college wisdom right out of the oven for you guys. So, stop whatever it is you're doing, grab your pencil and starting taking notes. Kick up your feet, strectch your back and take a puff on this proverbial fatty of college wisdom; its time to educate your mind. Its College Lessons, enjoy!

I learned that the weekends come and go as what can only be described as one day
I learned that having a hangover during a test is not the best way to take it
I learned many crazy ass creative ways to cook Top Ramen, just to make it taste different
I learned that studying with a hot chick doesnt really make you retain any of the information easier
I learned that lab classes suck especially if you are paired with group members that dont know shit
I learned that drinking and long boarding equals fucked up leg and a boring ass Spring Break
I learned that jumping over a pile of snow at night in a parking lot with a back-pack on will make you slip 5 feet in the air and land flat on your back, breaking your damn calculator!
I learned that if you dont know anything, its ok because no one else does either
I learned that scheduling your time doesnt really work unless your whole day is planned around "hanging out with friends" and "party tonight!"
I learned falling asleep at your desk makes you wake up with huge creaces in your face
I learned that dirty laundry in a guy's room is the last thing on his priorities
I learned that chinese food is a great food to have before you start drinking if you want to drink a lot

100% TheFLy Approved

2008-09-15T00:12:00.000-07:00

I just recently joined The Humor Bloggers and have been checking out some new blogs and I found some I really like so Ive decided to give out some awards. But as most of my readers know; I think handing out the same old re-hashed awards is SOOO boring. So I came up with something different. I give out songs instead that I feel fits the blogger with their blog.

I dont know any of the Bloggers taste in music so hopefully they like the choices Ive made. So, feel free to listen to the songs that I have dedicated to each of you and embed them if you like 'em. Just click share for the code. Enjoy!

The Humor Bloggers
So first up is the very community that I joined. It is very early and still an infant in its lifespan but already its getting a very loyal following with great bloggers and high-quality blogs. They really do have the funny over there and if you dont check it out, it really is your loss. Their forum is growing quickly, they've got a chat room and an awesome blog. Its a very active community and Im loving it. So I thought this song fit well.

The group feeling the song has really reminded me of the Humor Bloggers. Even the lyrics remind of the determination the place has to grow. I hope you ladies like it, yes thats you Chelle and Bee. This song is for your gal's creation.

The Offended Blogger
Aka, Chelle B. She blogs the offensive and the funny and pulls no punches in what she wants to say and its great. Its such a refreshing blog and every post is funnier than the last. Her writing is crisp, clean and fast paced with wit and humor that you just want to keep reading. Her posts are so randomly hilarious that you literally cant wait for the next post. There isnt anything mundane or boring about The Offended Blogger so go read it! Now! But if you are still here then you can listen to the song I have dedicated to her and her blog.

Lily Allen is a badass chick with badass lyrics so I thought it suited Chelle pretty well. Chelle's no hold's barred hilarious blog proves one thing, she says whatever she wants and holds nothing back. I think this song suits it well. I hope you like it Chelle.

Bee's Musings
I just started reading this one recently and already Im loving it. Bee has such a way with words that is so upfront that it makes me smile everytime she cusses. She tells it like it is and doesnt care what it sounds like. She has a wonderful sense of humor and her blog is really easy to read as it is written very well, even it is somewhat random in places, haha. Thats what makes it great, there is so much hidden humor in the posts. Go ahead, read it, she doesnt bite....err, well at least I dont think she does.

Ok, I stayed with Lily Allen for you as well Bee because you and Chelle are two badass chicks and have some similarities, haha. I can see you in this song. A cool chick that doesnt take shit from no one. But of course I could be wrong. Hope you like the song.

Im Just a Blogger
Next up is Chica. Another blog I just recently started reading. Its well written with very concise posts that are both funny and full of wit. They grab your attention for the get go and you enjoy them to the last word. She writes dialog very well and it makes for great reading. The more posts I read the more I liked this blog. Go ahead and check it out.

Ok, so I saw a theme in some of your posts Chica, your looks, haha. I immediately thought about this song. I hope you like it. It really is a good song.

buzz buzz

Dont make me drive over You!

2008-09-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen those trucks with really high suspensions but you can tell there is no offroading going on with the truck? Or trucks with really low suspensions? I really dont understand either. Why on earth are you gonna raise your suspension but dont do anything worthwhile with it? Scale a freakin' mountain with your ridiculously high truck, you might as well because you went through all the trouble to raise your suspension. Hell, drive off a building just for fuck sake, just so you can tell me when I ask; "why do you have such a high suspension?" you can say, "well, you see, I fight crime at night and sometimes Im driving on the roofs of buildings that I might need to drive off of and I need a high suspension to take the fall." Oh, well that explains it, you're Batman.

Some of these trucks have such high suspensions that they could literally drive over a small compact car without even touching it and yet these trucks are spotless from dirt or scratches. Nothing. Just some shiny rims and freakin' ridiculously circus freak type high suspensions. What is the point in having to scale a wall before you can get into the driver's seat? Seriously, its like a rock climbing wall complete with obstacles and grab holes. And of course like any normal person, once I want to drive somewhere I always want mimic scaling the face of a rock before I can get into the drivers seat; grab my carabiners and hook me in.

And trucks with low suspensions? What the hell is that? Why would you drop the suspension of your truck? I really dont understand that one at all. And people take it even a step further and cover the bed of the truck along with lowering the suspension, does that even make sense?

They throw some shiny rims on, put some fancy wavy lines on the side, paint the whole damn thing in some creative color and boom! They got themselves the worlds most useless truck.

The point of a truck is not to keep it nice or to cruise around in it with shiny rims with the body of the truck an inch away from the ground. Trucks are supposed to get you in and out of tough places to drive, supposed to carry heavy shit from one place to another, supposed to tow cars or boats if need be. Try that with a pathetic looking truck with lowered suspension and shiny rims, it'll look completely ridiculous. It would look like a midget trying to carry a couch by himself, you can only look and think, "maybe someone should help him or at least tell him that he isnt going to make that shit happen." Its just wrong. 2 plus 2 doesnt equal chicken, that shit dont make sense.

2008-09-11T12:47:00.000-07:00

Raise your fists...

We Will Never Forget...

2008-09-11T01:19:00.001-07:00

WTF Wednesday: Musical Treats for your Ear Holes

2008-09-10T12:52:00.000-07:00

Oh boy do I got a treat for you guys today. Instead of posting a video today for my WTF Wednesday post I thought I would give you guys some awesome music to listen to. I went through my huge catalog of music and came out with 10 gems you are gonna love! I decided to stick to an "Indie" theme in the songs I chose this time around and I think you will be pleasantly surprised by the quality of the songs.

Remember, if you want the songs, just click on the link and save it to your computer. Its all free and yours to keep. So go ahead and swipe 'em, I want you to.

All the songs I will link to are in my music player in the top right corner of my blog in the order they appear below, so please feel free to listen and enjoy.

Jukebox the Ghost - Good Day - Ok, I found this song from a fellow blogger at BC in a video montage of pics of other bloggers he did and I have to admit, this song immediatly sunk its teeth into me in the first 30secs of the song. There's something in the fast tempo of the song and the awesome piano riffs that cycles over and over in the background that really hooked me in. The lead singer's voice fits the song perfectly and his rhythm and tempo meshes so well its a perfect example of musical fusion. Listen to this song, I demand it!

The Cat Empire - Sly - I found this song a long time ago over at The Hype Machine. This place harbors tons of great music just like this song. The singing is so catchy and quick that you just get hooked in the first lines of lyrics. The quirky sounds and trumpets makes it for easy listening and yet its something completely different than the crap you get on the radio.

The Flaming Lips - Yeah Yeah Yeah Song - Another song I found at The Hype Machine. The song immediately starts with the Yeah's it so cleverly put in its title. At first it sounds like its gonna be cheesy but then you get past that initial chant of Yeah's and your head slowly starts bobbing to the catchy riffs and quick tempo. The singing is quck and perfect for the type of song. The mix of different sounds and traditional riffs makes for a great listen.

The Cat Empire - Fishies - If the quick awesome bass line doesnt hook you in the first 5secs the cool delivery of the singing will definitely get you. This song is so cool and laid back with its jazzy feel and blaring trumpets in the background that its hard not to like it. The hook is over the top with its incredibly awesome piano and trumpets; it puts you right into some jazz club where you hop onto some small table with your blue pin-striped suit and start dancing. The singing is relentless and the blaring trumpet in the background perfectly accompanies the cool delivery of the singing alongside the smooth piano.

NadaSurfer - My Blankest Year - This song completely captures my feelings I have sometimes on the weekend in the first line. The lyrics hit home and are sung in front of some catchy drums and guitars. There's a tamborine in the back and who doesnt love tamborines, come on, lets be real. The lead singer catches notes that are high and catchy and its just a sweet song to have when its a Friday and dont have any plans. I catch myself singing the main lyric from time to time out loud. Oh fuck it, Im gonna have a party!

Jukebox the Ghost - Under your Skin - After the first Jukebox the Ghost song I listened to I had to track down more songs by them and I wasnt disappointed. These guys have quality song after quality song. Their style of music is catchy, quick, and up tempo and you just get lost in the singing and their piano just like this song. The repititive nature of their lyrics in this song works really well and it is never bothersome. The quirky piano gives a personality that rarely other bands can capture in any of their songs.

BOAT - Im a donkey for your love - This song is as quirky as the title implies. The singing is off center and yet works real well. You get tamborines in the background with catchy guitars and cool singing. There's synthesizers and cool drums in the back and put them all together and you get an awesome song.

Dave End - And By Queen - The song starts off slow with some simple guitar notes here and there and a synthesizer type riff. Very simplistic sounds and then the singing starts in and your ears hook in. The song is so simple at first that you feel like you could make something this clean and smooth with your buddies in your bedroom. Makes you want to grab your guitar and start singing. But this song is deceptively simple because the flow and singing is quite beautifully woven into the simplicity and it works wonderfully.

The National - Fake Empire - This is one of my favorite songs in the past year. I get lost in the haunting piano and the elegant singing everytime I listen to it. It slowly builds from the first line and it never lets you go. A certain atmosphere is created from the get go and you start to make your own world inside the haunting sounds. The song manifests such deep emotional feelings that you cant just listen to the song but you live in the song. The singing is beautiful and the piano is haunting. Its elegantly tempoed and the drums are smooth and not overwhelming. Their use of trumpets just increases the elegance that is this song. Have a listen, really have a listen, I demand it!

DGookin - Remember - I threw this song in just for the heck of it but then I started listening to it again; the cool beat and synthesized sounds makes it really easy to listen to. And the soft singing creates a certain mood. It works pretty well.

Guest Post from Kat: Pimp Myspace Please!

2008-09-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

So I asked Kat, a fellow blogger on borrow from Kat's Litter Box to do a guest post for me and she came through big time with a Myspace Rant that is both revealing and hilarious. Her humor and wit is grade A first class writing. Enjoy!

"Pimp Myspace Please!"

I admit it, I am a Myspace failure. That’s right a complete failure on Myspace. I mean I am just a failure on so many levels when it comes to that site. I can’t tell you how so completely depressing it is to log into my page to find that there are 275 million people in my network, but yet I have only had 750 views. Come on what the hell is that all about. I mean statistically don’t you think more than that many people would just stumble across my profile? And it’s not like I have my profile set to private or anything, hell anyone can look at it and yet they don’t. And what’s up with people thinking they are so high and mighty that they don’t allow others to look at their precious profile anyway??

Another thing I fail at….friend requests…I’ve had that damn page for like what 6 months and I’ve had like 2 friend request , TWO fucking request ! One from some unknown basement band and one from some guy selling goat weed online or something. What the hell is wrong with me that no one wants to request being my friend? It’s just fucked up I tell ya.

And don’t even get me started on the comments, because I never get any, ever! Well that’s not true, I get a few but still it’s not like I am swimming in comments.

But what is more disturbing to me than the fact that no one ever views my profile, and that I my self esteem is knocked down a few pegs every time I log into that site that sucks all self worth from my soul is that well, I didn’t used to be a Myspace failure.

No once upon a time Kat was a Myspace success story, well sort of, until the freaks started to come out of the woodworks. See three years ago when I put up my first page I was much more successful at this, well seemingly. First, there was Spencer, I went into chat one night and he was in there and asked me to yahoo, we chatted every couple of days, he actually had an amazing life story in which he overcame a difficult handicap and I was in awe at all he accomplished. However Spencer misinterpreted my perspective and well lets just say the next thing I knew he was asking me to relocate half way across the world, and professing his love for me. Need less to say Spencer didn’t love me after I told him just because I am nice to ya doesn’t mean I love you. First failure.

Then there was Brad, a southern boy who came across my profile and began messaging me. I was fresh off the Spencer fiasco and a little weary, kept things really casual in conversation and it was really just a platonic friend thing. He was single, no kids, and well just fun to chat with and shoot the breeze.

That’s until one day on my way home from work I got a call from him, well I thought it was him, but it was really ummm his WIFE. Seems little old Brad failed to mention the old wifey pooh and um the three kids he fathered! Yep, that’s right his wife, and she was calling me every name in the book , including a home wrecker. Which I thought was hysterical cuz up to a minute before she called I had no idea there was a home to wreck.

But honestly I don’t really blame my myspace failure on myself, of course not! I blame Tom. Yes Tom the creator of myspace itself. Think about it…..How does a lonely, single nerd become the antichrist of the internet? He does so by creating a worldwide network for people just like him, with no friends, and automatically puts himself on everyone's "friends" section. However, it's pretty certain that MySpace is the extent of his sad pathetic life.

When you start throwing parties in the name of the most unholy creation of all time, it's pretty safe to say your life peaked in 6th grade, back when you blew a nut in your pants when the girl you’re talking to smiles at the guy standing behind you.

He is responsible for the thousands of obscenely lame people that think they are awesome and popular just because they have a MySpace. So I guess by my own definition I am even more lame than those wankers since I am such a fucking failure at Myspace. Oh wait I just got a friend request alert…Hey “Pimpin Muther Fucker” wants to be friends with me…..go figure…. things are looking up for this loser.

The Trifecta

2008-09-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever yawned, farted and sneezed at the same time? Seems impossible doesnt it but I have just recently accomplished this feat! I had a tickle deep in my nose and I started to srunch my face to sneeze and I started yawning and as I was yawning my sneeze escaped my mouth without me closing it and the jolt from the sneeze made me fart at the same time. It was weird. I sat there for a second trying to figure what just happened with a dumbfounded look on my face. Did I just bend the laws of physics?

It was almost like my whole body had a conflict of interest in which should come out first and all three were jammed in some doorway and they just ended up just falling out all at the same time.

This has been happening to me lately, maybe its the changing of the season or something. But Ive had to sneeze while yawning a lot recently and that really messes up your neck. You yawn and you have your neck flexed and then your nose decides to be a jackass and wants you to sneeze too and then muscles you never knew you had start flexing. Then your neck feels like a giant with huge hands is clutching you around your neck and digging its fingers into your spinal column. Then you sneeze and you feel like you just spit out some of your spinal fluid.

Also, Ive been yawning a lot only to have the yawn to end mid yawn. For instance, I start to yawn, my jaw basically lodges down farther than normal and Im about to take a deep breath to yawn but as Im taking in air my yawn just dissapates and I just end up sitting there with my mouth wide open like Im trying to eat your entire head in one gulp.

My dang bodily functions seem to be trying to play tricks on me. Like payback for all the questionable stuff I did in college, haha. Oh, Ill get you back body.

Sunday's College Lessons: 101

2008-09-07T12:17:00.000-07:00

So its sunday again but I think Im gonna have to move Sunday's College Lessons to a different day because the Football season has started. And those who know me personally know how much I love watching football. Its an all day thing for me and I cant miss a game, I love watching it that much that I even watch the shitty teams play. However, most of the time there are good games going on. So Ill leave you with a handful of lessons but Im almost certain that Im gonna change when I post up my lessons.

I learned that the first day of school sucks worse when you get homework assigned
I learned that the first day of college classes is all just syllabus talk, over and over and over again
I learned that on Sunday, I watch football like Im gonna get quizzed about it on Monday

Im NOT twelve!!! I wear big boy pants!

2008-09-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

If you are regular reader you have probably noticed that I have changed my "author" picture because there has been so many people telling me that I look twelve in my old one. So, I decided to change it because Im tired of being called a minor, Im a big boy damn it, haha. This new one makes me look closer to my real age which is 24 and less like a scraggly kid that is still in middle school.

What can I do? This baby face of mine has been a gift and a curse. I have been kicked out of Rated R movies for not having my ID but I was 18. I will probably always get carded when I buy alcohol. I always get funny looks when entering a liqour store like the clerks are thinking "look at this kid, he thinks that he can just walk in here and we arent going to notice his fake ID."

*Sigh* This baby face of mine gets me laid but it also gives me the image that Im still a boy. Im a man....ok, Im a big boy, haha. Here's my old pic if you wanna see it.

Im not twelve!!!

Answer your Damn Phone!!

2008-09-04T14:15:00.001-07:00

Im skipping Thirsty Thursday because I think I finally ran out of drinks to recommend. So I thought I would fill the gap with a regular-ass blog post.

I hate it when I call people on their cell phones and they dont answer because they dont have it on them or they kept it on silence or vibrate. If you are gonna have a cell phone whats the point of having it if you arent gonna answer it. Isnt the convienence of a cell phone is that you can receive calls when you are away from home but when I try to get a hold of you, you dont know your phone is freakin' ringing.

Cell phones are just turning into a little gizmo box for text messages. They're hardly even used for conversations anymore, well this is the case moreso with younger kids anyway. With the older people, they just dont answer their phones because they either forget it, its on vibrate and dont feel it, leave it in the car or leave it at home. Guys, dont you feel that vibration by your nutsack, no its not your lucky day, Im freakin' trying to call you! With women, they just bury it in their military grade purse/handbag survival kit that they dont even notice that their phone is vibrating. And forget about ringing because no sounds can escape the awesome muting power of thick fake leather purses. And some people can't live without their cell phones and have it almost like another appendage but somehow still miss phone calls.

Its not like they are in church or at work, just them with their phones vibrating by itself in some corner where left it to charge up. So answer your freakin' phone, its me calling you!

WTF Wednesday 9/3/2008

2008-09-03T00:04:00.000-07:00

Ive seen this video a long time ago but its effectiveness at making me laugh is still there. This video still has me cracking up to tears. The noise or moans or whatever they were had me laughing so hard it hurt. I felt my insides shaking. I may be a dick for laughing at a misfortune but damn, it sure is funny as hell. If the local news was always this entertaining I might actually watch it more often. The half-assed concern from the anchors is pretty funny but then they show a slow mo repeat which is even funnier. Enjoy!

Sunday's College Lessons: 101

2008-08-31T01:57:00.000-07:00

Yep, thats me being all "eduMAcated"

Alright readers, its class time again. So grab your pens and pencils, turn to page awesome and start taking notes because its College Lessons! Put away those cell phones and turn off those mp3 players and pay attention because these are priceless college lessons of irreplaceable wisdom. So stop poking your nose and you in the back, stop hitting on the girl next to you, pay attention!

I learned that the alarm clock for class is the biggest asshole of all the inanimate objects you own
I learned that unplugging your clock to move it and replugging it in somewhere else makes you late for class because you forgot to re-set your alarm
I learned that if you wake up late for class you end up just saying "ah fuck it, Im already late, might as well stay in bed"
I learned that waiting for the bus when you are anxious to get back home that the bus takes its freakin' sweet ass time to get to your stop
I learned that running to the bus stop as the bus passes you doesnt necessarily mean the bus driver will wait for you
I learned that running for the bus with a back-pack full of heavy ass books makes you run wobbly with your arms awkwardly pumping up and down
I learned that catching the bus in the early morning when its packed shoulder to shoulder, you find out some people didnt brush their teeth and their breath smells like straight up shit. Dude, did you eat a shit sandwich for breakfast?
I learned that playing Halo with the buddies is not what the ladies like
I learned that forgetting a certain book back at your apartment while on campus ruins your whole motivation to do homework
I learned that events that have signs that say free food doesnt necessarily mean the event is worth going to. In and out, thanks for the chips and salsa, Im out.

College Football is Here!!!

2008-08-30T14:59:00.000-07:00

Do you smell that in the air? Oh yeah, its college football. The season has started, it officially started Thursday but today is when all the teams play. Gotta love that college football. I cant get enough of it. My Alma Mater is Washington State University (WSU) Go Cougs!!! However, we dont look so good playing today, the game isnt over yet but we look like garbage right now. Still gotta support my team.

College Football makes Saturday even sweeter! Do you guys watch any college football and if so, which is your team and which games in the season have got you excited? For today, Im excited for the #9Clemson vs. #24Alabama. Lets see if coach Nick Saban can pull out the upset over Clemson. I dont really care who wins because it seems like its gonna be an awesome game.

College Football!! Gotta go, my team is playing right, doesnt look too good right now, haha. Oh well.

Thirsty Thursday 8/28/2008

2008-08-28T01:04:00.000-07:00

Rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice - Laid back; with my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

Im givin' ya the gangsta drink of choice. So pull out your pimp cup, shine your grill and lift that ice around your neck as you drink some Gin and Juice.

Ingredients

2 oz. Gin
2 oz. Grapefruit Juice
3 oz. Orange Juice
1 slice Lime

Just add all the ingredients into a shaker with ice and serve up. Its pretty easy because gangstas dont measure shit. So strap up playas and grab a cup, roll down the street, smoke some indo and sip on some Gin and Juice.

WTF Wednesday 8/27/2008

2008-08-27T01:04:00.000-07:00

This is somehow eerily cool but at the same time too goofy, plus it just makes me want to holler "YEE-HAW!!!" at the very end and thats never cool.

And here's another video keeping with the same theme. This would be cool if it just didnt LOOK so freakin' weird.

Its Getting Funky in this here Country

2008-08-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, Im going on an all out offensive against Country Music. My last girlfriend loved country music so I had to listen to hours and hours worth of country music AND in my own car. Oh the humanity! She saw it like an endeavor to convert me to country music. What the heck is that about? Is country music like a religion or cult that you have to convince people to like rather than letting them like it? No thank you, Ill pass.

Firstly, why the hell does country music always have to be so dire and depressing. They have some cool stories in their songs but man, some are way overdone and others are just fucking boring, like who the hell cares about your horses drinking beer and your boys drinking whiskey. I dont care.

All their so called anthems sound the same and Im not saying other music genres dont do this either but with country it really does sound repititive and boring. I mean, how many ways are there to sing the same shit over and over again. How many country words can you possibly put in a song to make it sound new again? Approximately "none" because country music is not one for reinvention. I saw a video for Honky Tonk Badonkadonk a long while ago and I completely lost hope for country music. I hope the country genre puts that skeleton in their closet, burn down the house, pave over the remains and make it into a parking lot where its ghostly remains can haunt the unsuspecting car radios of people parking there.

And what the hell does "its takes balls to be a woman" mean because to me it seems like that title makes woman masculine and goofy. Why the hell would you need to take a statement thats used mostly to coax people into doing dumbass shit? Because I have never heard the statement, come on man, have some balls, be used before doing something smart. OR "dang, you have balls man" following something that almost wouldnt have ended or destroyed a life.

Country music tries to be creative but in reality, they arent. Their best songs come from real depressing issues and not necessarily creativity. When they do get creative we get beer for my horses and fucking honky tonk badonkadonks.

I will give them this since I love playing guitar, they have some of the more creative chord progressions Ive seen but when they put their country twang on it, ugh!

Here's my one favorite country song, haha

Sunday's College Lessons: 101 (On Monday)

2008-08-25T01:02:00.000-07:00

Thats me beer bonging two beers like a champ! And hurting afterwards like a champ too.

Ok, I was feeling lazy yesterday guys and didnt feel like doing my lessons, will you ever forgive me? Ah, you guys dont care, haha. Its like when I was back in college and I had homework to do and it was sitting there on my desk waiting for me to start it, I would just look at it silently for a moment and then turn and walk out the door to find something else to do. Thats what happened with me, haha. I looked at my computer and instead went to work out. When I got back I was too tired and lazy to start it. But anyway, I am here now and you better put some clean underwear on and strap your diapers in because this shit will make you crap your pants. Its motherfuckin' College Lessons!

I learned that professors wearing full tuxedos are arrogant dicks
I learned that there are people in certain study groups that are dumb as fuck hoping you will do their homework for them
I learned that no matter how hard you prayed to the college gods, an exam is never postponed
I learned that waiting for the bus in the blistering cold of winter freezes your boogers to your lips without you even noticing them until you reach your class and they start to melt again
I learned that struggling to get up for an 8am class sucks especially when you get to class to see a note on the door that reads "Class Cancelled" BitterSweet Fuck! I could be in bed right now!
I learned that walking to class in the snow with low cut socks and regular shoes creates a pool of water where my toes can swim
I learned that being bored in the dorms makes for really unbelievable but true stories
I learned that having a dining center that overlooked a girls dorm always gave us something gorgeous to look at
I learned that barfing in a tub isnt cool
I learned that Im not very good at Beer Pong
I learned that having sex in the dorm's showers gives me the reputation of the "four legged monster"
I learned that being in a long distance relationship resulted in a lot of walks back to my place by myself in the middle of the night from some girl's place still being faithful

Sunday's College Lessons: 101

2008-08-24T11:43:00.000-07:00

Sunday's College Lessons are postponed because I learned that when you have something to turn in late you better have an excuse ready. So....uh...my dog ate my lessons. Hmmm, thats not good enough. How 'bout, as I was getting ready to blog this weeks college lessons a lightning bolt struck outside my window causing the ground to shake and igniting a fire which caused everyone to evacuate the area till the thunderstorm overhead passed. Thats good right, haha. Nah, Im just feeling lazy, sshhhh, dont tell anyone.

Idiot Juice

2008-08-23T01:51:00.000-07:00

You know what makes me roll my eyes, people that say a joke that wasnt funny the first time and yet they feel compelled to repeat themselves because someone giggled a little bit. And the second time they say it, they put more emphasis on their supposed punch line and increase the volume of their voice. No bitch! It wasnt funny the first time and its not gonna be funny with you huffing and puffing your punch line while you laugh as you say it again looking around waiting for approval. Dont look at my face because all you will see is the deep abyss of disapproval.

But then there's that one person that feels the need to be polite and force out a fake laugh for the sake of this person's dignity and thats enough for this self-proclaimed comic to repeat it yet again. Ugh! Why the fuck did you just force out that pathetic laugh?! Fuck, now we have to listen to this joke another time!

And the joke stems from something like someone grabbing a banana and this douche-cock says "hey, you just grabbed an apple in disguise."
Small giggle because no one got the freakin' joke! What the fuck are you talking about?!
He hears the small giggle and then says in a louder voice "Get it?! Because its a banana!" Ha......Ha......huh?

Someone lets out a pathetic half hearted laugh because they got how lame it was and couldnt believe it but they dont want this guy's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian to die on their watch so they laugh, barely. And so this future-comic prodigy hears it and it fuels him with idiot juice.

"Right! Because a banana is long, yellow and fruity and doesnt look anything like an apple, its an apple incognito!" Ok man, I got it! It wasnt funny back when you werent saying anything and now that you have injected it with even more lameness its even less funny. I didnt think it possible to make a joke as lame as that even more lame but you succeeded and thats has to be congratulated, however, since you are fueled by douchebag sweat, I cannot condone this behavior, so sit the fuck down and shut up before my brain explodes with how lame you are.

But this guy just said something he thinks is sooo clever and has to revel in it; "its an apple incognito!" haha...HARR...HARR!!! now this guy goes balls to the wall full mode laugh, wipes the tear from his eye and looks down to the ground while shaking his head as he repeats "apple incognito" Damn man, ok, I understand now, you love the sound of your voice saying completely lame things but please for the sake of my IQ, just stop talking. I can only just stare silently with not a peep as I roll my eyes. *sigh*

Thirsty Thursday 8/21/2008

2008-08-21T01:34:00.000-07:00

Alright, this one is for all the lady readers. I bring you the "Blow Job" Its a shot for just the ladies but my buddies and I have taken this shot as a joke for my 21st birthday. We figured we might as well be idiots while we were still sober and so we ordered Blow Jobs, haha. Its not hard to make.

Ingredients:

3/4 oz. Irish Cream (Bailey's)
3/4 oz. Kahlua
Top with Whipped cream

Like I said, this drink is strictly for the ladies! Combine the Kahlua and Bailey's in a shot glass, and top with a puff of whipped cream. Now here's the special part, you must take the shot without using your hands. Put your hands behind your back and mouth that son-of-a-bitch and take that shot. Man up Ladies, you've been called out, haha.

WTF Wednesday 8/20/2008

2008-08-20T00:37:00.000-07:00

Its for dramatic effect, haha.

Stop being so dramatic, haha.

My Tan Lines

2008-08-18T23:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I was in the bathroom washing my face and as I look up I notice my hands have a tan line that stops at the wrist. If youve read my blog post about me bicycling again after stopping for a couple of months, the one where my taint felt the awesome pain of a bike seat, yeah that one. Anyway, when I go biking I go decked out in heavy sweats, a beanie and a dark sweatshirt because you know, I like to make things harder for myself. Well I guess my hands were baked and tanned to a nice crisp brown, I wouldnt mind it but because of my longsleeve sweatshirt only my hands were exposed to the powerful tanning rays of the sun. And now I got brown-human skin gloves on my hands, yeah, that looks real sexy. *Slaps forehead* Thats what I get for not looking for my biking gloves. I usually just get a nasty tan line on my left wrist because of my watch and I just hide that by wearing my watch but now my whole freakin' arms are lighter than my hands, haha. Well the good news is that I dont sunburn, I always tan a nice mexi-talian brown, haha.

Sunday's College Lessons: 101

2008-08-17T01:30:00.000-07:00

Alright Mint-acolytes, its Sunday again and you know what that means, its time for some College Lessons. So button up your shirt, stop playing with your dinga-ling, and grab a seat; its time for some knowledge bullets aimed at your cranium. Locked and Loaded, click, click, boom. You feel that? Thats your head drinking it in.

I learned that spending your financial aid on a home theater surround sound system probably isnt a good idea but at least it still kicks the shit out of anyone else's sound system, so in your face losers, haha!!
I learned that selling back your books is probably the best part of having those freakin' books
I learned that most everything I did freshman year outside of the classroom didnt pertain to anything educational
I learned that the dining centers for the dorms are awesome at first and then they quickly suck, ugh! Not fucking chicken again!!
I learned that when my professors say our presentations should be formal, everyone translates that into a t-shirt and cargo shorts
I learned homework assigned reading never, never, never got done
I learned that the education department had all the hot chicks. Damn! Why couldnt I have chosen to be an education major instead
I learned that the engineering department was a sausage fest with a few manly women thrown in
I learned that most of my books that I needed to check out from our library were always in the farthest, darkest corner of the library, the corner time forgot
I learned that having a roommate sucks and most always gets to the point of annoyance. Clean your fucking room dude!! I dont want to see your skid marked underwear, I think I lost some of my vision by seeing that.
I learned to never ever drunk dial. Never Ever!
I learned that drunk dialing leads to awkward conversations the next day.

Turn off your phones!

2008-08-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

You know what annoys me, people that text during movies at theatres. Actually, people that text anywhere while doing something else is pretty annoying. But what really dug under my skin was some douchebag at the theatre texting over and over again with his stupid ass screen glowing, distracting my eyesight as I try to watch the movie. He puts his hand to the side of it like that covers the light emitted backward. He definitely doesnt understand the science of light, it shines! And its not like he did it once which would have been ok, no he was having a fucking whole conversation with someone with text messages. First of all, why would you pay 8 to 10 bucks to go see a movie that you arent even gonna watch. Instead you would just be staring at a 2x2 inch screen instead of a massive theatre screen for the movie you paid to watch. Those messages couldnt have been that important because he didnt rush out in a hurry, didnt stand up shocked, didnt leave the theatre at all. Nope, this idiot just stayed there the whole time texting distracting my eyeball in its peripheral as I wrestled to watch the movie and ignore this imbeciles little glowing screen of annoyance. After the movie, I walked up to the guy and told him "maybe you might wanna watch the movie next time instead of your cell phone."

People do that a lot in everything actually. People rather send their text messages while having a completely different conversation with a person standing right in front of them and they would do this instead of just calling a person. They would rather just text a convoluted misspelled mess to some person and wait for the other person to respond instead of using actual sentences and pronunciation skills to talk to a person. This is trickling down to kids too and soon this same text message generation are going to grow up misspelling words and preferring to text each other rather than talk to a person. They wont even be able to write correct grammar sentences or papers. They wont know how to process certain information. So turn off your phones!

Thirsty Thursday 8/14/2008

2008-08-14T00:52:00.000-07:00

Alright boys and girls, this is for those of you that think the "Jager-bomb" is the quintessential drop shot. I bring you "The Gladiator" This is by far my favorite shot out of the many different kinds Ive had in my time. Its just so delicious and when you are done with one you wanna another, it is that good. After youve taken in the delicious-ness of the shot you just look at your buddies and think, "Damn, that was some good shit, lets have another!"

Ingredients

1/2 oz. Amaretto
1/2 oz. Southern Comfort
Fill, 1/2 7-up
Fill, 1/2 Orange Juice

Combine 1/2 oz. Amaretto and 1/2 oz. Southern Comfort into a shot glass and fill the old fashioned glass with half 7-up and half -orange juice. Drop the shot in the glass and shoot it. Drink it guys and gals, I promise you wont regret it.

WTFs Wednesday 8/13/2008

2008-08-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

Beer Beer Beer Im going for a Beer,
Beer Beer Beer Im gonna drink some Beer...

It Hurts So Good

2008-08-11T19:32:00.001-07:00

Ive recently got back into biking again after a couple month hiatus and I dont know why I stopped doing it for so long. I pulled my bike out, made sure my tires were sufficiently inflated, did my stretches and went for an 8 mile bike ride. Since there are so many back roads by where I live its easy to just bike ride for miles and enjoy the scenery, given most of the scenery around here is beer hops and corn fields but the rolling hills in the distance are pretty nice to look at.

The next morning, I remembered why I shouldnt have squeezed in a couple month gap because my taint was sore as hell, haha. My legs slightly sore which is a good sign that I pushed myself but I wouldnt have been sore a couple of months ago or have my taint hurt for that matter. The next day I was determined to get my taint into shape, and for those of you that dont know what the taint is.....look it up: Taint

Every bump and every pedal I took hurt like a motha-fucker, it actually felt like I had just shaved my taint and the area was incredibly senstive to bike seats or like Ive been sitting outside all day pointing my ass toward the sun with my legs wide open as it got surnburned. Even with the uncomfortable pain the bike ride in itself was worth it. And for the record, my taint is tip-top now, haha. Peace out playas.

Sunday's College Lessons: 101

2008-08-10T12:26:00.001-07:00

Its sunday again and you know what that means, nice warm rolls of wisdom right out of the oven. So finish up your cup of coffee, tea, milk, water, whatever and tell your mind drink it all in. Mmmm, de-lish, you taste that flavor, thats the taste of home grown knowledge.

I learned that the weekends mean drinky drinky and no sleepy
I learned how to burn noodles in water
I learned how to have sex in lecture halls after hours
I learned that having sex in the dorms provides a soundtrack of moans for every room around mine
I learned my advisors knew nothing about which classes I should take
I learned that a formal party means getting drunk in a dress shirt
I learned how to walk home drunk with a whole box of pizza
I learned that I still hate chemistry
I learned that the red dot on my Indian professor's forehead is not a place to stare at
I learned early 7 in the morning classes do not do enough to keep me awake
I learned that I can write down all the notes for a lecture and not remember anything I wrote
I learned that King's Cup destroys my liver and that Im shitty at Beer Pong

heavy drinking + one bathroom = a funny night

2008-08-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

I decided to tell you guys a drunk story Ive told many times before and is still funny as hell. Kat from over at the Kat's Litter Box just told a pretty hilarious story and it reminded me of one myself. I changed the names to protect the innocent, haha, but you know who you are.

So, I was visiting some friends in Seattle last summer. Me and two of my other friends, Ronald and Young, went out to eat at some chinese restaurant earlier in the day. Don't really remember what we had but it was some sort of beef brocolli I believe with cabbage and the sort. I tell you this because it will come up later in the story as you can imagine already.

The night was wearing on and we finally decided to go to a bar to have some drinks. I started with a couple of AMFs (Adios MotherFucker) which if read last week's Thirsty Thursday post, they completely annihilate me and Young was trying to go drink-for-drink with me, bad idea for the both of us. He was taking on every drink as a challenge and acting more ballsy than his liver was going to allow, he was drinking anything and everything including a drink so dark and brown that the light was scared to touch it; we didn't even know what it was called but he drank it like it was sweet nectar from the gods. I took one sip of that thing and all the muscles in my face tensed up and made a "what the fuck did I just put in my mouth" face.

So, we were pretty hammered at the bar when seemingly out of nowhere some pirate looking dude showed up in the bar and decided to talk to us. He was wearing some dorky looking pirate hat, and it wasn't even halloween, he wasn't even coming from a dress party either. Pirate hat = no women to talk to, what a douche. So we decided to mess around with him being that he was visiting Seattle for the first time. We started giving him fake drink names to order while he was there. Like a Moist Vagina, a Wet Vagina, a Josefino Sanchez, the Anal Bead etc.

Us: "Oh this is your first time in Seattle, oh man you gotta order a Moist Vagina then! They are so delicious!"
Pirate Dude: "Oh yeah? Ive gotta get me one of those so I can get fuuuuuucked up!"
Us: "Yeah, and next time you are here you need to order 'The Anal Bead'; it sounds gross but its really good, its a black colored drink but its sooo sweet."
Pirate Dude: "Im gonna get one right now!"
Us: "No no no, order them tomorrow night, when we arent with you."
Pirate Dude: "Oh man you guys are so cool, you like my Pirate hat?"
Us: "You look like a douche."
Pirate Dude: "What?"
Us: "It looks awesome!"

He believed most of them and was already agreeing to order them. We didn't want him to order them while we were still at the bar so we told him to order them the next night.

Anyway, after that we headed back to my buddy's place. Back at their place we started having some more drinks with a few other people; and remember Young and I were already pretty hammered. Our livers were already writing their letter's of resignation by the time we got back. I could handle a little more than Young so he disappeared first to destroy a bathroom. I was upstairs of my buddy's apartment talking for a little bit when all of a sudden the curtain of stupid draped over my mind and the deep stomach feeling of too much alcohol started to dominate. That sudden realization of "this motherfucker is gonna BLOW!!!" popped into my head and the look on my face reflected that sentiment.

I bolted downstairs to destroy the bathroom. I came to the bathroom door and swung it open and what I saw I cannot un-see; I found Young completely naked sitting on the toilet taking a dump slumped over like a dead body on the edge of passing out. I was in the midst of wanting to vomit so I had little time to process what I had just seen and diverted my aim into the tub. Garrrgghh!!! All the brocolli beef and cabbage I ate earlier spewed out like a fountain of undigested food right into the tub, piling up like it was getting ready for a second helping. Young is yelling at me to get out and all I can do is vomit in the tub. I cant even process anything he is trying to tell me; Im just thinking "shut the hell up and why are you naked!!"

Ronald finally gets the great idea to check up on the two of us where he finds me and Young yelling at each other. He sees me puking into his tub and Young taking a dump naked on his toilet. Now, Young starts yelling at Ronald to get me out and I'm yelling at Ronald to tell Young to put some clothes on.

Young: "Ronald, get him out of here man!"
Ronald: "Why the fuck are you naked?! And Damn it Armando, not in the tub!!"
Me: "Sorry dude but tell Young to put some fucking clothes on, I dont want to see his naked pudgy ass!"
Young: "Get the hell out of here, both of you!"
Ronald: "Its my bathroom! But you are right, no one should ever see this."
Me: "Dont worry, Im outta here as soon as I dump my dinner out."
Ronald: "You're cleaning that!"
Me: "Yeah I know, that reminds me, Young, remember to wipe and wash your hands!"

Damn that was a fucking funny night.

Thirsty Thursday 8/7/2008

2008-08-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

Here is the drink Ive probably had the most at bars. Its the Long Island Iced Tea but dont let it fool you, it may look as innocent as tea but this drink packs a wallop. Its a very balanced drink, it will definitely get you where you are going. If you want something delicious and strong then this drink is your drink. There have been so many nights that this drink as saved. Its a true classis and I highly recommend it.

Ingredients

1 part Gin
1 part Rum, light
1 part Triple Sec
1 part Vodka
Fill with Cola
2 parts Sour Mix
1 slice Lemon

The mixing is pretty easy, just add all ingredients into a cocktail shaker with a few Ice cubes and mix. Pour into a collins glass with a touch of fizz on top. Garnish with a lemon and Enjoy!